Page 44 of Edge of Steele
“Channel your little child and you’ll know.” She grinned.
“Easier said than done.” He rubbed his face, trying to erase his ongoing frustrations. “But back to your question. I didn’t have a good experience in foster care, and it was only for two months until they located my grandparents. I know there are great homes out there, but the one we were in was awful. I kept imagining little Avery in a place where the adults were just in it for the monthly checks, and I couldn’t let it happen to her. So I took emergency leave that day and ended my military career soon after.”
“Did she have a bad experience?”
“Actually, no. She was placed with a great family. So I wondered if I should be taking her away from that, but foster care placements are often temporary. Just because she was placed with this family now didn’t mean she would stay there. I wanted to give her a sense of stability, you know?”
“Yes, that’s so important.”
“That’s why I’m living here for now. Maybe later when she’s handling her grief better, I’ll suggest moving to Portland where job opportunities are greater. And my grandparents and extended family live in the area, so she would have family, and I would have some support. But I won’t even suggest it until I think she can handle a change.”
Which meant he might never be in the same city as Ryleigh. At least not in the near future, and a potential relationship, if she would ever consider one, was out of the question.
She frowned but then smiled but it looked forced. “I applaud your sacrifice. Especially when it sounds as if you don’t much like the job.”
“I don’t hate it, but I have to keep telling myself something my grandpa taught me when I took my first job in fast food.” The memory was as fresh today as it had been back then. “He said no matter if I liked the job or not, to give it my all. To remember I was working for God. That way, others will see Him through me.”
“Good advice.”
“It was the only thing that got me through that job. Nowthatone I hated.” He grinned. “One good thing about civilian life is I get to see him and my extended family more often.”
“I could never be separated from mine,” she stated as emphatically as he would expect.
Okay, time to dig in.Help me, please. “Which is why I knew, when we were together, that you could never move to California. We would be at the mercy of a long-distance relationship, filled with times that I couldn’t even communicate with you. Not a word. Not one.”
She lifted her shoulders. “Other SEALs have relationships that work.”
Okay, that didn’t sit well with her. “They do, but all the wives of the guys I know live in Coronado, and they’ve formed a tight-knit support group to get them through these tough deployments. You’d have been in Portland all on your own. Sure, you would’ve been with your family, but they really couldn’t understand your problems. You’d begin to feel isolated and blame me. Things would’ve ended anyway, and it would’ve been ugly.”
“You could be right, but just leaving with a phone call to say you were going—and we were over—was ugly too.” She eyed him, and the hurt lingered in her gaze. “More than ugly.”
“Yeah, that I regret. I should’ve said goodbye in person, but we spun up so fast that I had to catch a flight with barely enough time to call you. Still, I could’ve come back when I was stateside again to talk to you.”
“So why didn’t you?” The words came out on a whisper of pain.
Oh, man. Man.He’d hurt her more deeply than he’d thought, and she might never forgive him. “I didn’t think I could end it if I had to look you in the eyes. I would just keep postponing it, making it harder on us, and taking us down that freight train to ugliness.”
“Finn Durham a coward?” She crossed her arms. “Never thought I’d see that.”
“A big one when it came to saying goodbye to you.” He met her gaze. “If it matters, once Avery and I were on a more solid footing, I did plan to look you up. To explain. Can you forgive me?”
She eyed him for long pain filled moments. “Yes. God calls us to forgive, and I want to live my faith, so it’s not an option to hold this against you anymore. But I don’t think I could ever consider dating you again, if that’s on your mind.”
He’d take that. It was a start. But he resisted pumping up his hand because this wasn’t really a win. She was following her faith, but was she letting go of the hurt? Didn’t seem like it.
“Is that what you were thinking?” she asked.
He had to be honest with her no matter what. “I would like that, but we’re in the same place again, aren’t we? Different cities and neither can or will move.”
“Then we’ll be friends.”
Friends.Great. She’d put him in the friend zone. Was there a worse place to be?
She held out her hand.
Formal and reserved. He gripped it and shook, but he wanted to draw her close and kiss her instead. How was he going to handle the remaining time he spent with her?
Her phone rang. She quickly grabbed it as if glad to have an end to their discussion.
