Page 37 of Dima
She pulled me into a side hug and kissed the top of my head. This was exactly what I needed, the comfort my grandma gave me every time I was in her presence.
“Thank you, Mama.”
“You know what? I have something that may cheer you up. Come with me.”
My grandmother stood and held her hand out to me. I grabbed it, and she led me back to my mother’s room. The only person who loved this room more than me had to be my grandmother. She took pride in keeping everything just the way my mother left it.
“I was in here earlier today and found some of your mother’s old journals. They were in one of the boxes your father sent over after the funeral. Maybe you ought to read ’em.”
“I don’t know, Grandma. You don’t think that’s an invasion of privacy?”
“No. It’s going to help you feel a little closer to her. Some of the answers you’re looking for might be right here in between those pages. Your mama kept a journal in her hand every day of her life. Right up until the day she died. If you want to know something about her, I’m sure it’s there.”
My grandmother pointed to the bed that held the last pieces of my mother—messages that she’d left just for me. A smile tugged the corners of my mouth as I stared at the journals.
“Is this just about your father, or is there something else you want to talk about?”
“It’s not just about Daddy. There’s this guy that I really like, but because of who he is and who my father is, what we had may be over before it even had a chance to start. I just don’t know what to do, Grandma. It’s just so complicated.”
“What’s complicated about it, baby?”
I sat on my mother’s bed before motioning for my grandmother to do the same. I gave her the rundown on everything that happened with Dima, and I didn’t hold back. I didn’t have any secrets when it came to her, because I could always depend on her to tell me exactly what I needed to hear. When I was done, she smiled like nothing I said was a big deal at all.
“If you’re missing that boy, baby, just go to him.”
“You make it sound so easy, Ma.”
“No, it won’t be easy, but nothing worth having ever is. If Dima is as special as you believe he is, you have to go to him. You can’t lose a man like that. Being with him won’t be easy, but in the end, you will be happy you did.”
“You think so?”
“I know so. You won’t find the answers to any of the questions you have hiding out here with me. Now, take these.” She collected the journals and handed them to me. “And go talk to that man.”
My grandmother was right. Dima was the only person who had answers to my questions. If I wanted to know why he hurt me like this, he was the only person who could tell me. I needed to see him.
I had been in the same place on the couch since I left my father’s house earlier. I didn’t know what my next move would be—if I would go back in, debrief, and come off the case, or if I would go back to the compound and fight alongside the men who had felt like brothers over the last couple of weeks.
Bishop had felt like a father I had never known, and that was clearer after speaking to the man responsible for bringing me into the world. One would go to the ends of Earth for their seed while the other found different ways to betray theirs. Knowing that made me want to fight alongside the man who showed me what having a real father looked like.
The choice I had to make wasn’t easy. If it was simply choosing the man I most wanted to be like, that would beeasy, but that wasn’t the full scope of things. I’d been the best at what I did since Quantico, and that was due to being able to anticipate what the next person would do and stop them before it happened. I hadn’t anticipated any of this, and now I questioned if I was even supposed to be an agent at all.
Soft taps on my door dragged me out of my thoughts. I was thankful for the relief from the daze I’d been in all day. I was surprised when I looked through the peephole and saw Maeve’s pretty face.
I didn’t expect to hear from her ever again. I figured the next time I would see her was on the news, standing next to her father, or maybe sitting behind him in court. I never imagined her showing up on my doorstep, but I didn’t hesitate to open the door. She was already on the brink of tears.
“I need you to tell me why you did this to me.”
The girl I had fallen for stood with burning eyes directed at me. Her shoulders drooped in defeat, showing just how much all this shit weighed on her. I hated myself for contributing to her misery.
I stepped to the side so she could come in. If we were going to have this conversation, I didn’t want to do it from opposite sides of the threshold. She walked in and sat in the same spot on the couch that had held me hostage for hours. I sat next to her, needing to be close for however long she allowed me to be.
“I never expected this to get out of hand the way it did. You have to believe me when I say I’m sorry. I care about you, and I don’t want to let you go, Maeve.”
I took her hand into my lap, and she let me. Our fingers wrapped around each other as she gathered her words. I hoped she didn’t say this was done, because I wouldn’t be able to take that. So much had happened, but if Maeve and I were good, I could figure everything else out later.
“I have never felt this level of betrayal, but even through all the hurt I feel right now, I don’t want to let you go either.”
A single tear fell from her eye, and I swiped it away. I pulled her closer to me by the back of her neck and crashed my lips into hers. I knew this was a hard place to be for both of us, but we were here together. I could work with that.
