Page 96 of Blue Norther
“Because you interrupted the counting and I need to know that I got to twenty-eight. Don’t ask why twenty-eight, Colt. Just let me fucking get there so I can come sit down.”
I didn’t speak. I dropped my eyes to the table and didn’t dare move. Again, the water turned on. I heard my brother scrub his hands. And finally, the water turned off. Lachlan muttered something under his breath, but a second later I could hear the clanking of mugs on the counter and the steady stream of coffee being poured.
He set one cup down in front of me, taking the other to the opposite side of his table where he joined me.
“Want to tell me what’s going on?”
“No.”
“Hayes said you weren’t letting Mom and Dad come over here anymore, and I thought for a second maybe you were struggling and had let the place go. But, fuck, it’s never looked better. But that’s just it…isn’t it?”
“What?”
“When was the last time you left your house?”
“Doesn’t matter,” he mumbled.
“When was the last time you drove your truck?”
My brother’s eyes met mine, the challenge there.
“Fuck, Lach. I’m so goddamn sorry.”
“You ain’t got nothing to be sorry for. I’m fine.”
“So fine you have to count how long you wash your hands for, and if it isn’t perfect you have to start over? How long were you stuck at that sink? Because you didn’t mean I interrupted you with speaking, did you? I interrupted you by coming here.”
“It’s fine.”
I slammed my hand onto the table. “It’s not fine, I don’t want to fucking hear that word again. Everyone in this family loves you and is worried about you. Tell. Me.”
“Damn, man. I didn’t mean aim for the heart.”
“I don’t have time to be gentle, Lach. You’re fucking struggling. Everyone sees it. Everyone feels it. You got Mom crying every time your name comes up. Dad swearing under his breath about getting you into therapy. Even Jessie won’t stop texting us all about getting you help. I should have been over here sooner. Should have kicked your ass into asking for help faster.”
“I don’t need help,” he griped. “It’s just my goddamn leg.”
“I thought it was better. After the last surgery, the physical therapy was supposed to help you get rid of that thing.” I nodded towards his cane.
The screech of Lachlan’s chair across his flooring filled the air. “It would have, if I could make myself go there. You want to know how long I’ve been trapped in this house, Colt? Three months. Since the day my surgeon said I didn’t have to go back to their office for more bullshit. I’ve been in this house all day, every day for three months. And that’s not the worst part. I’m fucking trapped in here.” He limped as he put weight on his leg without having the cane in his hand. I wanted to jump up, to offer some sort of assistance, but I knew that wouldn’t help.
“You don’t want to leave? Or youcan’tleave?” I asked. My phone buzzed on the table, but the distress on my brother’s face was too much, I couldn’t pull back. I couldn’t let this go with him. Somewhere deep inside I knew what it cost him to open up like he had, and I couldn’t lose that connection with him.
“My mind won’t fucking let me leave! I can’t even go on the porch without feeling like my breath is being stolen away from me. I fucking tried last week. I forced myself out there, and by the time my foot hit the top step of my stairs, I was shaking so bad I thought I was going to pass the fuck out. I’m not this pathetic person! I’m not scared of what lives out there. The type of shit that my best fucking friend got caught up in and the kind of shit I paid the price for. That car falling off the lift and crushing my leg broke something inside my damn head. And I don’t know how to get out of the hole it put me in. So I sit in my house. And I do all the things my mind tells me will keep me safe, keep everyone I love safe, and try to make it another day.”
I nodded, running my hand over the stubble on my chin.
“We will help you. We will get you help.” It wasn’t a suggestion. It was nonnegotiable.
“I don’t want to deal with a shrink,” he spit back at me.
“You don’t get a fucking say at this point. You just said out loud the fucking words I have nightmares about when I think about how close we were to losing you.”
“I can’t leave.” His eyes sparkled with tears. My baby brother was hurting so deeply, and I didn’t even see it until now. I didn’t see it until it was almost too late.
“You won’t need to. We’ll find someone who can do telehealth first if that’s what needs to happen. And we’ll all come around more. Youwilllet us in. Mom and Dad, too.”
“They don’t deserve to see me like this. Broken. Needing to be coddled.”
