Page 68 of Blue Norther
And I knew he wasn’t missing. I knew he’d been born. But he never cried.
He never took a breath.
I never got to see his eyes.
My chin quivered as a shiver rolled through my body. I pressed my hand over my mouth, trying to cover the sob that tore through me, but I wasn’t quick enough. Because at my back, Colt moved.
“Vi?” His deep, sleep-filled voice filled the space between us. I couldn’t answer though. The phantom weight of our son wasstill pressing down on my arms as more tears poured down my face.
“Fuck,” I heard him mumble as his weight left the bed. In a heartbeat, he was kneeling in front of me. Colt clicked on the small lamp next to my side of the bed, wincing before his worried eyes focused on me. “What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”
His hands rested on me. One on my thigh, the other on my belly. I covered my face with my own hands and lost it.
“Violet? Jesus, this is scaring me, baby. Tell me what happened. Are you in pain? Is something wrong? What can I do? What should I be doing?”
I’d fully lost it. All this time, all this anxiety building up inside, there was always going to be a point when it came crashing down. Because it wasn’t just the relentlessness of this faceless threat that was getting to me. It was the silent monster of battling infertility that had been scaring me from the very beginning. Of getting pregnant, but not being ableto staypregnant. When it finally happens, everyone expects that the worry will go away. Once you make it to thesafe zone. Once you’re in the second trimester. Once you feel the baby kick. But itnever goes away. It’s constantly there, the worry that once again, I’ll wake up and my baby will be gone. That he’ll be born, but he’ll never?—
“Breathe, sweetheart. Christ. Just breathe. It’s all going to be okay. Whatever this is, it’s going to be okay.”
“He…he d-didn’t…he couldn’t…open his eyes. I held…h-him.” God. The words were just getting stuck in my throat. Falling out all jumbled and indecipherable as snot and tears poured down my face. “I h-held him…” My breathing stuttered. “He was b-beautiful. But he…our b-baby w-wasn’t…a-alive.”
“Oh, darlin’.” His deep voice rumbled in his chest. “No. That’s not going to happen. No. Come here.” I closed my eyes, the bed dipping down as Colt sat next to me and wrapped hisarms around my shoulders. I turned into him, into his chest, and lost it all over again.
“Just breathe, Violet. Try and breathe. You’re okay. The baby is okay. You’re doing a perfect job of keeping him safe. He’s going to be born soon. We’ll hold him in our arms. He’ll be here. He’ll be safe, and warm, and so squishy. He’s ours, and he’s going to be just fine. You’ve done it. You’ve done such a good job. You’re so fucking strong and I’m in awe of you. Just breathe, baby. Just breathe.”
I couldn’t say how many minutes passed with us just sitting like that. Colt slowly rocked me back and forth as I cried until there were no more tears left inside me.
“Was that the first time?” he asked, his thumb gently wiping away what I hoped were the last of my tears.
“No. It was torture in the beginning. I’d have a nightmare that I was in bed and there would be blood. So much blood. I’d wake up screaming for you.”
He looked so heartbroken at my admission. “Vi.”
“It’s fine. It should have gotten better. Ithasgotten better. Everything escalating just feels…wrong. You, getting hurt…It just set me on edge.” I brushed my hand over my bump. “I wish he would move.”
“Do you want to go to the hospital? To just check that everything’s okay?”
“No, no. I’m being hysterical.”
Colt stood, pressing a kiss to my head. Then he walked back to his side of the bed and grabbed his phone, motioning for me to meet him back in the middle of the mattress.
“Give me one second. I just need to go to the bathroom. Splash some water on my face.”
“I’ll go with you.” He set his hands against the mattress, but a simple shake of my head had him stopping.
I smiled. “I’m okay.”
“Leave it unlocked.”
“As if those muscles couldn’t bust down that door if you needed to,” I teased.
“Oh, I’m sure they could. But I don’t want to waste any time if you need me to get to you. Leave it unlocked, please.”
I nodded, padding into the small room. I heard Colt speaking quietly, but couldn’t make out what he was saying. By the time I washed my hands and was back in the bedroom, he was sitting silently, waiting for me.
The baby rolled, delivering a kick to my ribs that had me both wincing and sighing in relief. My fingers pressed against his foot, another little wiggle from him calming my nerves. I moved as best I could, settling back on the thick pillows that felt like heaven to my aching back.
“Were you talking to yourself while I was in the bathroom?”
