Page 32 of Blue Norther
She’s carrying my baby.
And she was worried. I could see it in her eyes, worried that I’d be upset. Worried that I’d turn her away.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were thinking of using our last embryo?”
“We haven’t spoken in years, Colt. You signed over your rights to me. And I just…I didn’t know if I’d even get pregnant. And then there were all the worries about making it out of the first trimester. Getting this far…It was easier to think I’d come back once the baby was here. Once I knew I wouldn’t break your heart with another loss. I didn’t ever imagine you seeing me pregnant.”
“I would have been there.”
“I know. And it would have broken you all over again to have that hope taken away when it didn’t work.”
“But it did work. And you came back here. You came back to me.”
She nodded. “I thought about you every single day. Not just during this pregnancy, but every single day after I left. I know it wasn’t healthy. I know it wasn’t right. I was the person who walked away, and I knew I had no right to ever just walk back in. A part of me feels horribly guilty that I had to come here. There just wasn’t time for me to settle down anywhere else. It had to be here.”
Our son decided to kick directly under my hand. God, it was the easiest thing in the world to accept, and yet somehow, I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. Vi hissed at the pressure as soon as the baby moved. I could feel the rush of emotions pour over me in that second, and it was overwhelming. Our baby was there. I tightened my hold on her.
He was strong.
He was healthy.
He was going to be born in just a few weeks.
I was going to hold my child in my arms.
I was holding my wife and my child in my arms right now.
The room spun as the air left my lungs. “I think I’m going to pass out.”
I’d missed so much of the pregnancy already. But Vi had done such an incredible job…I waited to feel the anger at being kept in the dark for so long, but there wasn’t any to be found. Instead, the brightest, hottest pressure seared through my chest as I lowered my face to her belly.
“Hey, buddy. It’s okay. I’m here now. Don’t be mean to your mama. She’s working hard to make sure you get here safe and sound.”
Violet shook her head. “Colt, I…I’m so sorry. I should have told you the first day I was here.”
The tears splashed over her lashes, and her beautiful lips trembled.
“When, Vi? I ran the fuck away as soon as I saw you.”
“But I could have?—”
“Why did you leave?” I asked instead.
“What?”
“Why did you leave? Why didn’t you choose to stay? To fight for us? We were so much more than just our potential as parents. You were my best friend. The love of my life. Every dream I ever had come true. That’s the only question I have. Why, Vi?”
She looked at me, not blinking. “Why are you asking me this now?”
“Because I was too much of a coward to ask you when you handed me the papers. I was so fucking furious at you for wanting to leave. But I knew you were slipping away from me formonths by then, and Ilet ithappen. Every negative test. Every time we lost…” The words stuck in my throat. “Every time we lost a baby. I’m going to tell you this right now, and I’m dead serious. This baby is a beautiful blessing, but this baby isn’t the reason I want things to work out between us. You are enough for me. You’ve always been enough for me.”
“You were always enough for me, too. I was just so lost in the grief. How could I do that to you, Colt? Tie you to someone who couldn’t give you what you’d wanted your whole life. You deserved to be a dad, you talked about it all the time. I can remember you holding Jessie as a baby, telling me how excited you were to have kids one day. I wanted to give you that chance. I wanted you to find someone who could make that dream come true for you. Without the struggle. Without the loss.” She sniffed, her hand coming up to bat away the tears streaking down her cheeks. “And I wanted to fall apart without worrying about upsetting you. Without you having to feel like you had to help me pick up the pieces. I needed time to know who I was now that I knew my body had betrayed us. You have every right to be mad at me. To never forgive me.”
“I’m not mad at you.” The way the words snapped out of my mouth probably made it seem like I was lying. But the truth should have been so clear to her. “I’m fucking thrilled. I was so happy for you, seeing you pregnant after everything we went through, that I went to my truck and cried on the drive back over here. I would have loved him no matter what, Vi. Just like I’ll always love you.”
“Colt.”
“This changes everything, darlin’. Don’t sit there for a single second and think it doesn’t.” I ran my hand over her belly, smiling at how perfectly round it was. “There isn’t time to dance around it. I’ve prayed for this moment since the day you told me you needed to leave. That you would come back to me. Thereisn’t time to be shy about what I want. So let me be clear. I want you.”
