Page 104 of Blue Norther
A red ribbon caught my attention. I flipped past nearly the entire middle part of the book. I would go back. I would devour and commit to memory every single word she wrote to me over the years. But I knew Violet. She’d flagged this part for a reason.
Colt,
I’m going to do it. One last chance to become a mom. And I’m using our embryo. I don’t even know if you remember that it’s in storage, or if you even care at this point. But it felt weird to not tell you. God, I’m so hopeful. Hopeful that it will work. That by some miracle, this baby will be the one to stay. And I’m so sorry that I can’t tell you I’m doing this. I just can’t risk breaking your heart again. I want so badly for you to be there. Helping me with the God awful injections. Holding my hand when the embryo is placed in my womb. I know I don’t deserve that…
I scanned through the entries, my hands shaking even though I knew what was coming.
Colt,
I’m pregnant! I can’t believe it…
Colt,
I made it to thirteen weeks! I’m sitting here sobbing just praying for viability now…
Colt,
I felt him move…
Colt,
I made it to twenty-four weeks. He’s viable. We finally made it to viability…
Colt,
I have a reader who’s being weird. I don’t know if it’s the pregnancy that is making me feel so anxious about it, but things are starting to escalate and I’m afraid…
Colt,
I’m coming back to Silver Springs and I’m scared you’re going to hate me forever for not telling you about the baby sooner. I couldn’t. But he’s almost here and I know you’ll keep him safe. If I can’t. If something happens. You’ll keep our son safe.
Colt,
I haven’t written in here since the day I left New York. But I want you to know…The baby’s here. He was born, and you were there. You held our son before I did. You’re holding our son right now in your arms, and I can’t look away because I’m scared this is just a dream…
I couldn’t continue. I was crying so hard that I had to close my eyes and take deep, gasping breaths. Feeling her grapple with the weight of every decision, knowing the depth that she struggled going back and forth on when it was safe to tell me about the baby, my heart broke for her.
I would come back to the book. I would read everything in detail. But right now, I needed to hold my wife.
I walked into the house, struck by the silence. I couldn’t remember the last time it was quiet during the day. And I loved that. Because Violet and Connor made this house a home.
At the top of the stairs, I heard the water running, and my heart dropped. As soon as I walked into the bedroom, I could see a huddled figure sitting in the shower.
I checked on Connor, fast asleep in the bassinet by our bed, cheeks rosy and all snuggled in a swaddle. My clothes came off, left in a pile by my dresser. I’d deal with them later. Vi was most important right now.
Her cries were muffled, but I could still hear them. Fuck.
Steam billowed out as I opened the shower door, trying to make enough noise not to scare her, but gentle enough that she would feel safe telling me what was going on.
“Vi?” I sat down on the tile floor, my legs bracketing her hips. Her only response was more tears.
“Violet. What’s wrong? Are you upset about the video? Hey, talk to me.”
She twisted, sitting up on her knees, her arms flying around my neck. The momentum nearly bowled me over, but I caught her and steadied us both before I toppled over.
“I love you so much. I’m so sorry you thought I was going to leave you again after he was born. I had no control over that but I promise, nothing—nothing—could ever make me leave. I love you.”
“I love you, too.” I pressed a kiss to her forehead.
