Page 104 of Dangerously
“Fallon, are you all right?”
“No. I’m not all right. I haven’t been all right in a very long time. Farrah, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there. I’m sorry I couldn’t be the person you needed me to be. I was so young. And I didn’t understand,” I blubber. “I didn’t want you. And they wouldn’t let me have you.” I cover my mouth and sob uncontrollably. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“Fallon.” Farrah gets up and wraps her arms around me. It feels like a warm shelter. “You don’t have to be sorry. I already know.”
“What?” I lift my head.
Farrah crouches in front of me. “I know the truth.”
“What? How, Farrah? Did they tell you?” I’m appalled.
“No.” She shakes her head meekly. “I overheard them fighting a few years ago. They didn’t know I was listening. It was my thirteenth birthday, and Mom wanted to take me somewhere. I don’t remember exactly. But Daddy didn’t want her to. He was weird like that sometimes. She yelled ‘she’s my daughter’ and he yelled back ‘no, she’s not, she’s Fallon’s.’ Mom went into her room and cried the rest of the afternoon. It was kind of a crazy birthday.”
I stare at Farrah, dumbfounded. “You knew this whole time, and you never said anything?”
“I kind of figured it was for the best. And we talked over email. So you were in my life a little bit. But then when you came to visit? It was all so real. You’re so amazing. I wanted you to stay forever,” she admits guiltily.
I don’t know what to say. Or do. Or even think. So I just cry some more because the feeling of relief is so great, it’s like Glinda magically lifted Dorothy’s house off me. “The only thing I don’t know is who my father is.”
I almost projectile vomit. She knows I’m her mother, but she has no idea how she came to be. I place my hands on her face, remorsefully. Honesty, I promised myself. “Farrah,” I sigh. “This is the hardest thing I will ever have to explain in my entire life. But I know you are mature enough to understand. And I will get you all the help you need in order to deal with it.”
She blinks her eyes, perplexed. And yes, the whole situation is very fucking perplexing. “I left because Daddy was abusing me.” Saying that out loud feels like an admission of guilt, even though I know I have nothing to be guilty for. I was the victim. Abuse screws with your head, something terrible. It takes Farrah a few seconds to process what exactly I’m saying. And when she does, the horror on her face says it all. She understands.
“Oh my God. I think I’m going to be sick.” She stands and runs into the bathroom. I follow after her, holding her hair back as she throws up.
She shares my sentiments exactly.
Once she’s done, she slumps onto the floor, grief stricken. Her cheeks are flushed, her eyes are red, and her nose is stuffy from crying.
“I’m sorry you had to find out like this.” I push a blonde lock away from her face. “I’m sorry our story is so fucked up. I’m sorry I had to leave . . . but I’m not sorry you’re here. I couldn’t appreciate you before. But I love you so much now. You were right. Being together makes it feel real. I can’t promise you I’ll be a good mom. I can only promise that I’ll try. And promise you that I’ll stay. And that I’ll always be here for you.” A sudden bout of insecurity comes over me. “If you want me. If you want to stay with me, that is.”
Farrah looks at me with empty eyes. It scares the shit out of me. Does she see me differently? Am I disgusting to her now that she knows the horrible truth?
“There isn’t anyone . . .” She inhales deeply, sniffling with tears. “I want more in my life than you.” She then crawls into my lap and latches her arms around me. I hug her with so much relief she may need the jaws of life to pry me off of her. Because now that I have her, I am never letting her go.
19
Fallon
One year later
Christmas Eve
The last three-hundred-and-sixty-fivedays have been my biggest test. In truth, they have been the hardest of my life. So much heartache. So much despair. So many challenges some days, I didn’t know if I was going to make it through. I was under the illusion that conquering your demons was supposed to set you free. But when it comes at such a high price, that freedom is tainted with the greatest of miseries.
But, luckily, buried in all the darkness was some light. There was a reason to pull myself out of bed every morning and face the pain. She became my strength, the same way I became hers. We both mourned together, leaning on each other through the emotional revolution. Learning about each other. Learning about ourselves. Farrah is a force. It’s equally as hard as it is easy to believe she’s mine. She’s made of all the best parts, and when I stand next to her, I’m proud. I’m thankful. I’m at peace.
She’s beside me now in the damp cold as I wipe the snow off the name on the headstone:Matthew León Alverez,better known as March. My person, my ride or die, my best friend. I place the single red rose atop the frozen earth and shed one single tear. I miss him every day. Every day there is a void in my heart where he used to be. But I know if he were here, he would tell me not to mourn, but instead celebrate his life. I can hear him now,“Berry Girl, don’t cry. You’re wasting water on your pretty eyes. I know you’ll never forget me. I gave you too much to remember.”It’s the truth, too. He gave me more than he ever had to. And I will always be grateful. I will always be grateful for him.
Farrah holds my hand, and I recall his infinite wisdom.“She’s the anchor to your humanity.”I didn’t want to believe it at the time. I didn’t want to accept it either. I just wanted to forget. I wanted my past to burn in hell, but he knew better. He knew I would need her one day.
He knew the ultimate truth.
As I mourn over his grave, I feel Farrah’s eyes on me. I can always feel her. My maternal instincts kicked into overdrive the moment I professed she was mine.
“What?” I probe without looking at her.
“It’s freaky when you do that.”
