Page 82 of Thorns and Ashes
ThatI’mwho he wants.
Gently, my fingers trace the lines of his face while he sleeps, pushing aside a stray light-brown hair from where it falls on his brow. I’ve never taken the time to see him this close before, and it hits me just how beautiful he is. I’m sure it’s not a word that he’d ever like to hear himself described as, but it’s true. His beard is trimmed so I can make out the sharp angles of his chiseled jaw. His features are strong and defined, but as he sleeps now, unbothered by the thoughts that plague him while he’s awake, there’s a gentleness here that I have a feeling not many ever get to see.
He breathes deeply and pulls me closer, so I nestle my head into his chest, listening to the soft beat of his heart as it echoes the slow, hollowing out of mine. I’m surrounded by his scent and the warmth of him. Closing my eyes, I allow it to carry me, following him into a sweet sleep-filled escape.
The sunlight streams through the window, shining across my face and waking me. Blinking, my vision takes a few secondsto adjust, and a few more for last night to come rushing back. The weight of Levi’s arm prevents me from moving, though I try, only to realize he’s still wrapped around me. My attempt causes him to stir, opening his eyes as we lie face-to-face. Locked in this moment, neither of us moves. My breath is caught somewhere in my chest as I search his gaze, trying to figure out what he’s thinking.
Does he remember last night? Does he remember what happened? Does he remember what he said?
My thoughts swirl in my mind until one fights its way to the forefront.
“Are you okay?” I ask, pressing my hand to his forehead.
I’m flooded with relief as I realize his temperature feels normal, but beneath my hand, Levi’s brows furrow. I try to pull my hand away, but he stops me, covering my hand with his own and drawing it down to rest on the side of his face.
“I’m okay,” he breathes, his eyes bouncing between mine. “You stayed?”
A lump forms in my throat, making it hard to swallow as a tingling sensation sweeps up the back of my neck and across my face.
“I shouldn’t be here.” I pull my hand out from under his and push off his bare chest to turn away, doing my best to maintain my composure so he can’t see how being here with him is affecting me.
His eyes widen, and he blinks, his head jerking back as I begin to roll out from under his arm. At first, I can feel his resistance, but it gives way, and my bare feet hit the floor. Without looking back, I make it as far as the door when Ellie blocks my path, causing me to pause.
“Don’t go,” Levi calls out to me, but I can’t turn around.
I’m overcome as my memories from last night slam into me. My breath hitches.Don’t go,he said last night, but it wasn’t me he wanted.
“I shouldn’t have stayed,” I say so quietly, I’m not sure he can hear me.
“Don’t go,” he repeats, softer now, but something in his tone has me reaching for the door frame for support.
I squeeze my eyes shut, the rustle of blankets behind me filling the silence as I try to steady my erratic heartbeat. I fill my lungs with air and hold it, clenching my teeth as I try to will my feet to move, but it’s as though my heart and mind are at war, and I’m too helpless to do anything but stand here and watch.
“Tris.” Levi’s hand lands softly on my shoulder.
“I shouldn’t have stayed,” I repeat, releasing my breath as my head drops forward. “You were sick and confused. I should have left once your temperature dropped.”
“I asked you to stay,” he recalls, squeezing my shoulder slightly. Gently, he begins to pull, wanting me to turn around, but still I resist, unable to look at him.
“You weren’t asking formeto stay, Levi.” I break on the words. “You wanted me to be...”
He spins me around, no longer waiting for me to do so myself, and with one hand still on my shoulder, he grabs my face with the other, forcing me to look into his jade-green eyes.
“I wanted it to be you,” he says, voice so certain it feels like I’m being ripped apart from the inside out.
Still, I shake my head against his hand. “You called her name,” I force out, watching as his brows shift apart and his eyes widen with understanding. “It’s okay, I understand.” I try to sound convincing, but I hardly recognize my own voice.
I pull away, but he slides his hand past my face and grips the back of my neck.
“No,” he says, dipping his head slightly, his eyes pleading. “You don’t understand. Every night I relive that nightmare. Every night I call for her, but she’s gone,” he croaks, his hand tightening on the back of my neck as his other one slides from my shoulder to my waist.
I’m completely lost in him, hanging on every word as my heart threatens to beat through my chest.
“I’m sorry for so many things, but especially for making you believe that it wasn’t you that I needed last night. I said her name in my sleep, but it was you that I reached out for when I finally opened my eyes, Tris.” His thumb comes up to wipe a stray tear from my cheek. “You stayed.”
“Of course I stayed,” I choke out as more tears fall.
“Why?” he asks, filling me with a misplaced wave of frustration.
