Page 71 of Thorns and Ashes
Chapter Sixteen
Tris
Ihave never felt so wrong about being right.
Last night was everything I wanted, everything I’ve been attempting to deny for weeks finally came to the surface, and thanks to a little tequila and encouragement from the girls, I felt brave enough to make it as clear as possible that what I feel for Levi goes beyondfriendship.
I’ve never been with someone who’s taken control the way he did, but more importantly, I’ve never been with someone whom Iwantedto surrender complete control to. In every brush of his calloused fingers on my skin, I could feel the weight of his desires, but I could also see his internal struggle. My skin tingles where the memory of his touch still plays. I felt like I was on top of the world, and it was Levi who put me there. That’s probably why it hurt so much to come crashing down with a single look. His gaze dropped to mine, and from down on my knees, I saw everything. He didn’t say a word, but it was all there, written on his face. The regret. The shame. As if he’d realized he’d crossed a line he never meant to. Then he was gone, leaving me feeling small and empty.
My stomach flips as it all plays out in my head over and over again.
“And then he just... left?!” Rory shouts as she paces in my living room. “What. An. Idiot.”
“He was probably freaked out,” Ainsley chimes in, being the voice of reason or playing devil’s advocate, I’m not sure which.
They showed up here an hour ago to check on me and celebrate my birthday some more with pizza and cake. When they startedasking why Ellie wasn’t here and what happened after they dropped me off last night, I cracked and told them everything, too angry and confused to keep it to myself.
“That doesn’t make it okay to leave her like that! I mean, come on, dude. Seriously? Like, okay, you’re freaked out? Man up. Get it together. Apologize and explain yourself. Don’t just ghost her. That’s messed up.”
My head pounds, and I’m not sure if it’s from the whiplash of having my emotions thrown around or if it’s from the lingering hangover I woke up with. I reach for my water bottle, swallowing down both the water and swell of emotions that are threatening to come to the surface.
“I don’t need an apology or an explanation. I don’t need anything from him,” I snap, trying to convince both of them and myself.
Ainsley’s shoulders drop, and she leans slightly toward me. “Just because it’s not what you need, doesn’t mean it’s not what you deserve.”
I let her words wash over me like a blanket of warmth, trying my best to believe them, but it feels like they slip through my hands like running water.
“And what about what you both deserve?” I ask, genuinely, but also because I’m tired of the focus being on me... for once.
“What happened with Billy last night?” I recall how the two of them were dancing and having a great time, but shortly after noticing, he was gone.
“I sent him on his way.” Ainsley shrugs with a half-sad smile, concealing more than she’s saying. “It was girls’ night after all.”
I give her a quizzical look. “Right,” I say slowly after a few seconds have passed, letting her know that I don’t fully believe that. “Just be careful you don’t push him away one too many times...” I let the rest of what I’m not saying hang in the air.
I don’t know much about Ainsley’s love life other than that she doesn’t have one, and while Billy seems to alternate the wheel of women he has on his arm weekly, he also always seems to come back to her. She can say all she wants that she’s not interested, but there’s a magnetism there that anyone watching them can see. I’m not sure why she fights it, but I trust her, and in trusting her, I know she must have a reason. Maybe one day she’ll share it with us.
“And how’s Blake?” I ask Rory, snatching the bag of gummy bears from her hands and popping a few in my mouth. She stops pacing and seems to somehow become even smaller where she stands in the middle of the room.
Her shoulders slump, and she pulls at the hair ties around her wrist. “It feels like he’s a million miles away even when he’s only in the next room,” she sighs.
“I don’t understand why you stay there if it makes you so unhappy,” I mutter, considering all the times I’ve seen Rory come from their home together looking like a beaten-down version of herself.
“He’s my brother,” she says firmly, like it’s obvious. “Everybody needs somebody, and he’s got me. I don’t want him to feel more alone than I know he already does. I know what it is to feel alone.” She shrugs, pulling at the elastic hair tie some more. “Something Emma told me, sometimes just being there is enough. If that’s all I can do for him, then at least it’s something.”
Her glassy eyes meet mine, and I realize what a weight it is that she’s been carrying, and my heart breaks for her. I push aside the gummy bears and open my arms. Her eyes go wide before she blinks, and tears fall down her face. She launches her little body from her where she stands, and within seconds, she’s snuggled into my side as my arms wrap around her.
I’ve never met anyone like Rory, so strong, resilient, and yet still so willing to show the world her vulnerabilities. She’s brave ina way I can only ever hope to be. I run my hand over her curly hair as she takes in a deep, shuddering breath.
“This is nice,” she sniffles. “I knew you loved me.”
I can hear the smile in her voice at the edge of her words, and it makes me chuckle. Catching Ainsley’s eyes, she smiles and joins us.
“Scoot’ your boot’,” she says, squishing the three of us together like three peas in a pod.
“We love you, brat,” I tease, and Ainsley grabs the remote.
“Ooo, I know what we should watch!” Rory snatches the remote from Ainsley, and Ainsley looks at me, amused.
