Page 51 of Thorns and Ashes
I take in a long, labored breath, doing my best to fill my lungs. Chief says I’ll never be happy if I hold onto the hurt. But I don’t know how to let go, and worse than that, I’m not sure I deserve to be happy. Before I’m able to spiral, Ellie nudges my hand and sits beside her leash that’s hanging by the door. Of course, she wants to go for a walk, and I’m sure I know exactly where she wants to go.
“Good day, little Miss Ellie,” Tris says with a smile brighter than any I’ve ever seen her wear. Her ashy blonde hair is pulled up on one side with a bow, identical to Ellie’s. It makes me pause. Even I have to admit, it’s sweet that she would want to matchher. When she looks at Ellie, her eyes light up, and the ice within them melts. That lasts for all of five seconds before her gaze shifts to me. “Levi.”
“Levi, huh?” My lip twitches up. “That sounds like a step up from asshole.”
A rare grin flashes on her face, quick, dangerous, and gone too soon. Her head tilts down as she tries to hide it, a few strands of hair falling in front of her face. “Yes, well, steps go both ways. I’m sure you’ll keep me on my toes.”
“Oh, I’m sure you’re right,” I say with a chuckle, ignoring the way my hand twitches to fix those stray strands of hair still out of place. “You girls have fun last night?”
Again, a small smile breaks through, like she can’t help it. “Yes, we did,” she says before hesitating. “I see you kept the bows in her hair.”
It’s a statement, but I catch the soft hitch in her voice, the way she waits for the answer like it might cost her something.
She glances between Ellie and me, like the fact that I kept them in surprises her. This isn’t really about the bows, it’s about the fact that I cared enough to keep them in. That I didn’t instantlyundosomething she put in place just to spite her.
“How could I? She seems to like them,” I pause. “And you.”
A light shade of pink spreads softly across her cheeks. “I like her too.”
“I was thinking,” I start, and no sooner do I get the words out than her eyes narrow at an almost comical speed. “Since you two get along so well, maybe you’d like to watch her when I’m at the fire house?”
Surprise flashes across her face. Her eyes widen quickly, and her mouth opens and shuts before returning to neutral indifference. It’s a look I can tell she has well practiced.
“You don’t have anyone else you’d prefer she spend time with over me?” She crosses her arms in front of her, putting that armor back into place.
I can see how badly she wants me to think that she doesn’t care. To agree with her. To say something that will confirm what I’m sure she’s telling herself right now, what I’m convinced this whole town has been telling her her entire life. Something close to what I told her a few weeks ago. It’s more than just her believing that no one cares about her. She believes that no one would ever choose her.
I see it now.
It’s as if someone has physically ripped off the blinders and screamed in my face,“Look at her!”Where my indifference to what others think about me is authentic, hers is a shield. Underneath is a woman whowantsto be seen asmorethan just the icy bitch everyone around here believes her to be. Yes, that’s a part of who she is, and maybe that’s all she allowed others to see before she lost everything, but the woman who watches Ellie, who polishes her nails and spends her time playing with her, leaving bows in her fur, is much more than that. She’s someone else entirely, and I can’t deny that whatever good parts of me are still left recognize those parts of her and are reaching for them.
I grind my teeth and push down the guilt, the grief, and everything else that wants to stop me in this moment and really look at her, seeing her. “None of them are you,” I murmur and watch as the edge in her expression fades. As it does, I take my chance, hoping that she won’t shut me down. “I’m sorry for everything I said the other day and how I spoke to you. That was wrong of me.”
Her brows furrow, but before she can call me a liar, I keep going and double down.
“I was wrong and a jerk. I appreciate how much you care for Ellie, and she obviously cares for you. I think you might be her favorite person.”
As the words leave my mouth, Ellie’s front paws land on the counter, making Tris jump with a laugh. “You’re my favorite, too,” she tells her.
After a quick scratch behind the ear, we tell her to sit, and she listens, though I’m not sure to which of us.
“So what do you say?” I pull the spare key out from my pocket and hold it up between the two of us. Her gaze glides from Ellie to me, and her faint smile lingers before she presses her lips together, no doubt debating whether this is some kind of trick.
My eyes are fixed on her heart-shaped lips as her tongue peeks out, skimming the lower one and catching it between her teeth.
“Fine,” she sighs, opening her hand. “If that’s whatyouwant.”
I clear my throat and grab the back of my neck with my free hand as heat shoots up my spine. What was supposed to be about Ellie has quickly turned into something else entirely. Worried that if I spend another second with her, I’ll say something I’ll regret, I place the key in her hand, tell her thank you, and head for the door.
“Shit,” I curse under my breath once I’m a few steps away. When I look back over to the counter, I see she hasn’t moved and is still watching me. With a glance above me, I huff out a breath. “We should exchange numbers... in case something ever comes up.”
“Right,” she drawls, taking my phone from my hand. After a few seconds, she hands it back, a mischievous gleam in her eyes. “All set. I saved my number and texted myself.”
I nod, taking the phone. Before putting it back into my pocket, that glint in her eyes gives me pause, and I decide to check the message she sent. She’s already back to work when my head falls back, shoulders shaking with laughter. I stroke my beard as I shake my head at the one word she sent herself.
“Asshole.”
It’s in quotations, and when I look at her, there’s a grin so wide on her face that I know it’s meant for me and not the customer now standing in front of her. Before I leave, her eyes meet mine. It’s only a split second before she looks away, but it’s the unfiltered light in her eyes that I carry with me in my mind as I finish my walk with Ellie and head back home.
