Page 43 of Resisting Blue

I start typing.

Me: I'm home. But…I'm not doing great. I feel super guilty about ruining your date. I can't stop thinking about hurting myself again.

I stare at the message for one breath, then hit send. I'm not going to hurt myself. I haven't wanted to in months. But tonight isn't about truth. It's about our unbreakable connection.

The response appears immediately.

Red: Is this real, or are you trying to manipulate me again?

Me: Sorry. I shouldn't have bothered you. I've done enough damage tonight.

Red: Are you alone?

Me: Yes. At home in my bed.

Dots appear then disappear.

He's panicking.

Good.

Red: Do you have anything nearby that could cut you?

Me: No. I want to obey you.

Red: Obey me?

Me: You told me to text you before I grabbed a knife.

A quick moment passes.

Red: I'm glad you didn't grab anything sharp.

Me: Like I said. I want to obey you.

I slide my hand over my chest, circling a finger over my nipple.

Too much time passes without a reply. I slide my hand over my cut thigh, pressing.

Me: My thoughts won't stop. My breath is speeding up.

Red: Put both feet on the floor. Try to take a slow inhale. Identify five things in the room.

I laugh at his clinical response.

Me: I can't. I keep replaying you walking away. I shouldn't have asked to talk. I shouldn't have confronted you. I messed everything up. I ruined your relationship.

There's a long pause. I wait to see if he'll take the bait.

Red: You're misinterpreting what happened. This conversation isn't appropriate outside of session. We'll talk during your next appointment.

No. We'll talk now.

Me: I don't have another appointment. Shirley wasn't there. I don't think I can get through tonight. I don't trust myself. Can you come over?

Deafening silence follows.

Old ghosts of Brax, who never replied to my text messages, terrorize me. My blood turns cold.