Page 14 of Little Wing
Now I want to claw it back.
And so I thought I had a bug.
My mum thought I had a bug.
Wendy said it was probably the bug that she and Jimmy had had.
But after three days, I came to see how the bug started to pass by mid-morning and by the end of the week, I knew. I just knew. I would have known even if I wasn’t being sick. I counted the weeks off on my fingers. The cold scorch when the reality dawned on me – I’ve never felt so alone, so terrified, so amazed, so confused. The week my period should have come, I wore a pad every day believing that if I kept to my routine, if I just carried on with normal, maybe this extraordinary thing couldn’t possibly be happening. But at night, lying for hours while everyone slept – my brain whirred so violently I’d put my pillow against my head and hold it tight, just to get it to stop, to slow down at least. I can hear my heartbeat loud in my ears, I can feel it in my mouth, sometimes I have to tell myself to breathe. Just breathe, I say. Just keep breathing. But in the mornings, oh the sickness.
I started to hide it from everyone in the house.
That’s what I’m doing now.
It’s so hard, so ghastly, trying to be sick as quietly as you can.
Only—
That night. That night. I’ll never forget that night. I’ll never regret that night. I want to find Peter. Really, I need to find him even though my mother will kill him. And God only knows what’ll become of me.
And I think back to that night, that night of You. At the time though, You – as a notion – were so far from my mind. Truth be told, if You – as a Consequence of It – had crossed my mind, then I probably would never have done what I did. And that, my little one, would mean that you and I would not be here, growing together as we are. So.
What will they do to me? But you – I won’t let anyone do anything to you.
Nell
‘Going to pop out – anyone want anything?’
Debbie was off on her break. Mostly, the staff didn’t have time to take breaks, nor did their work strike any of them as the sort of job where breaks were welcome or even necessary. There was rarely a dull moment at the Chaffinch – but today had been slow.
‘I would like—’ But AJ couldn’t actually think of anything he’d like.
‘Anything we need?’ asked Debbie.
‘I need a hole in the head,’ Danny declared. He was famous for upcycling expressions.
‘OK,’ said Debbie, diligently writing this down. ‘Anything else? Nell?’
‘Paper napkins – go to Pounds Right. Here.’ She gave Debbie a couple of pound coins. ‘Oh and could you pop in to the post office – there’s a package waiting for me.’
‘At Pounds Right everything is one pound or less.’
‘Can I open the package, Nell?’
‘Don’t forget Danny’s hole.’
‘Danny, you mustn’t put a hole in your head.’
‘It’s a saying, stupid.’
‘I’m not stupid.’
‘You are.’
‘Oi!’
‘AJ used the “S” word.’
‘The “S” word is for SHIT, stupid.’
