Page 41 of Little Wing
‘None of us knew. And believe me, we hunted. It’s not as if we had Google back then.’
‘Is it Harry?’ said Nell.
‘Harry?’
‘Mum bangs on about Harry sometimes.’
‘As I said – I don’t know who your father is.’
‘Just say!’
‘I do not know and that is the truth!’
Marjorie took a big breath in and then exhaled, emitting a faint whistle from her nostril. She wanted Nell to go, she wanted her head clear. Memories served her no purpose, they were indulgent and interruptive. They were interfering with her head and her home.
‘Why didn’t Florence bring me up? Why did Wendy get me? Why not you? Did you toss a coin for me? Toss a coinnotto have me? Did you win?’
Marjorie shuddered. It wasn’t so far off the truth but the girl did not need to know that. She left her chair and sat down on the sofa next to Nell. It all felt awkward and contrived. She just wanted the whole thing to be done with.
‘I will tell you, Nell, all that I know. Florence was sixteen and got herself knocked up at a Christmas party. The boy was not local. He could not be found. Wendy was engaged to Jimmy. Florence was sent to distant family in Scotland and Wendy brought you up after she died.’
Wait wait wait.
Florencedied ?
I can’t go and meet her? My actual mother died?
‘Florence is dead, then?’
She’s definitely dead – just look at Marjorie’s face.
‘Nell,’ said Marjorie, ‘I really do feel that none of this can be helpful to you. You’ve got this far in life without having recourse to any of it. All families are complicated and rife with secrets! There was so much shame. We did what we thought was best in a dire situation – foryou.’
She made it all sound so annoyingly trivial. She wanted to make it sound like they had put Nell first.
‘I have a right to know,’ said Nell. ‘About what happened. And it’s not as if I can ask my mum. Either of them.’
‘Don’t you cast me as the villain, Nell!’ Spittle underscored Marjorie’s words. ‘Don’t you suddenly overlook how I have protected you all these years.’
Protected me? Nell could only sit and stare, feeling her brow contort with confusion and despair. She rubbed at her forehead. Protect me? She glanced over at Marjorie. She wanted to yell, to throw a paperweight through the window or at the mirror or at the stupid clock with its super-calm low tock. She could so easily tear into Marjorie. But she told herself to think.
What was it she did when AJ became fractious? Or Libby or Alex or Sanjay? She softened her voice and lowered her energy and quashed the need to emote.
No eye contact, lighter tone, don’t mention first names. ‘What family in Scotland?’
‘Our stepfather.’
‘Granddad George?’
‘Yes – George.’
‘I do vaguely remember Granddad George – he was lovely.’
‘George’s family in Scotland.’
‘In Scotland. Where in Scotland?’ Nell made it sound like advice for a holiday destination. ‘And she died, Florence died? In Scotland?’
‘Yes.’
