Page 14 of The Blood Witch
“I know,” he shouts back, throwing his arms up in a gesture of complete frustration. “I didn’t plan onyou.I didn’t seeyoucoming. It was all about Elon, about finding him and fucking up whoever took him. Then suddenlyyouwere there, and I was just pulled into your orbit. I couldn’t have stopped it if I tried, and I did try,” he confesses, running his fingers frustratedly through his rich coffee-hued hair.
“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” I growl, his words pissing me off even more.
Rogan starts to pace with a growl of exasperation. “No, I’m just trying to make you understand.”
“I’m not the one who needs to understand, you prick, you are!” I bellow, stepping into his path. “It was never about choosing. I would never have asked you to. It was about trust. You could have come to me and told me the deal, told me this was the only way,” I yell, gesturing all around me. “I promised I would help you, and I’ve done everything in my power to do exactly that.”
I step closer to him, dropping my voice menacingly. “You forced a familiar bond on me and then stuck a needle in my neck to seal a dealyoumade,” I seethe. “You know the longer our magic stays tethered, the worse it will be for us, and yet you didn’t eventryto fix it when you could have.”
“There wasn’t time,” he bites back, his eyes pleading. “I was such a fucking idiot, Lennox. I didn’t even get the clue when you first told me, I was too busy thinking about what happened in the kitchen between us and then what Marx dropped in our laps. I was distracted, and I almost fucking missed it,” he shouts, panic and self-loathing dripping from every word, his face crumpled with anguish.
“Missed what?” I scream back, thoroughly incensed and tired of all the cryptic shit.
“Run,” he clips back, pained. “I almost missedrun.” His voice breaks on the word, and I swear I can hear his heart shattering in his chest. “It was a code. It meant there was trouble and to come fast. We hadn’t used it in a while, I don’t know why I didn’t get it right away. I was outside after Marx left, I went to text him a question, but Elon’s text messages were right above his, and that’s when it hit me.” He paces closer, talking quickly and agitatedly using his hands as he explains. “It was a stupid inside joke. We had gotten shit-faced after we’d won a fight with the latest group ofextractorsour parents had sent our way.”
My heart constricts at his words, at how casually he delivers them as though your parents sending bounty hunters after you is an everyday occurrence and not worth focusing on. I stomp out my empathy for him like someone stomps out an uninvited fire at their feet. Nope. I’m not falling for histhe world is against mecrap anymore.
“We joked about needing a Bat Signal. I said I’d message himwe ride at dawnand he’d know to get his ass over to me. The next thing you know, we were both putting on fake Texan accents and tipping imaginary hats.”
Rogan is lost to the memory, his head tipped back as he recounts the details. I work to hang onto my anger, but it’s hard when I keep picturing a drunk Rogan sauntering around his house and saying things likehowdyand threatening to duel his living room furniture.
“Elon shot up out of nowhere, riding an invisible bucking bronco, but instead of shouting giddy up now, he shoutedready up nowand his voice cracked like a teenage boy’s in the process. I don’t know if we’ve ever laughed as hard as we did that night. Ever since thenready up nowbecame our Bat Signal. With time, it was shortened toR...U...N.”
Understanding dawns on me, and my stomach drops. All at once, I’m sucked back into the memory of Elon’s house that day. I can practically feel the pendulum in my hands as it moves across the scrying board first toR, then toU, and lastly to theN. I should have told Rogan what it said sooner instead of holding onto it like I did. I don’t know if it would have made any difference, but thecould haveof it is going to eat at me.
“Hate me, Lennox,” Rogan declares, pulling me from the memory. “I know I deserve it, but what would you have me do? If you could have saved your father, wouldn’t you have done anything?”
“Don’t,” I warn, agony searing me and burning away any and all concern trickling through me. “Don’t you fucking dare bring him up and try to manipulate me with it,” I growl.
“I’mnottrying to manipulate you—”
“Yes, you are!” I scream at him, irate. “Don’t talk to me like we bonded over war stories, like we spent nights together showing each other our battle scars. That story wasn’t yours to hear!”
We stare at each other, both of us breathing heavy, bleeding pain, and begging to be heard, to be understood. But he wants something I can’t give, I couldn’t offer it to my father, and I sure as hell don’t know how to find it in my heart for him. Rogan’s looking for forgiveness, but all he’ll find here is a burning coal ofnever again.
His eyes fill with understanding, and I feel my own brokenness mirrored in his gaze. “I know I hurt you,” he starts, slowly stepping closer as though he’s afraid if he moves too fast, it will startle me and I’ll run. “I wish I would have met you differently,” he confesses, just barely above a whisper. “I would have found excuses to stop by your shop. I would have gotten to know you better. Made you laugh. Asked you out. Cherished you. I would have shown you who I was before the tragedy and the scars.”
His eyes well with tears as he studies my face.
“But I don’t have that luxury, Lennox. It was stripped from me a long time ago when everything became about survival, about protecting my brother. It doesn’t matter how bad I want you, how much it consumes me. As long as Elon is out there, Ihaveto do everything I can to find him. I have to savehimat all costs.”
Tears drip down Rogan’s cheeks, his confession breaking me in new ways, not just for me, but for him too. For what’s been done to him. For what’s been done to his brother. I understand what he’s saying. I get where he’s coming from. But it changes nothing.
I’m a sacrifice he’s willing to make.
I understand, even support, the reasons why, but it doesn’t make anything hurt any less. I know where I stand. If the roles were reversed, maybe I’d do the same. But either way, things between us are done before they really had a chance to start, and I’m surprised by the loss I feel knowing that.
With a resigned breath, I shove the excess of magic I’ve been holding onto into the connection between Rogan and me. I watch him as I give back what I took, expecting to see relief in his gaze. Instead, I track tears as they spill from his eyes unchecked. A deep, permeating sadness fills my chest at the finality of this moment. We may still be tethered, but everything else between us is fractured now, and we both know there’s no coming back from it.
My eyes prick at his naked emotion. We’ve known each other days, but it all feels so much more profound. When all of his magic is returned, I release the tether like it’s molten hot and dangerous, and Rogan flinches in response. It’s over. We stand quietly fragmented in each other’s presence for a moment longer. He reaches up and twists one of my curls around his finger, and then just like that, he leaves.
There’s nosorrys in his wake, no promises waiting to be broken, or hope left to hold on to. Like he said, it’s about Elon and nothing more.
I wrap my arms around myself and work not to fall apart. When my dad died, when I found his note and all the evidence of his betrayal, something shifted in me and I shut down. I lost a piece of myself that day. I wait for the same thing to happen now, but all I feel is deep and profound sadness. No matter how hard I try, I can’t shut it out. I can’t figure out how to turn it off. It ripples through me, refusing to abate or to be ignored. So I do the only thing I can do...I surrender to it, and it destroys the heart I’ve worked so hard to keep safe.
5
“What do you mean I can’t go see the missing Osteomancers’ apartments?” I ask Marx, his dark chocolate gaze filled with apology and his blond hair combed to the side in a perfect wave. “How am I supposed to read them if I’m not in their space?” I add, frustrated with the house arrest it seems I’ve been placed on.
