Page 42 of Grave Mistakes
Jerif gapes. “Are you fucking serious?”
Even Echo frowns. “Rafferty, we can barely hold the Gate as it is, and you want to stretch us even thinner by taking one of us out to watch her?”
“Do you have a better idea?” Iceman snaps. “We can’t leave her unprotected.”
“I’ll watch her,” Crux offers, though I know he’s disappointed, because his smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes. Still, I know he’s trying to make a horribly awkward situation better, and despite my righteous anger, I do find myself feeling guilty.
“We’ll take turns,” Iceman says. “In the meantime, we’ll ask around, see if anyone knows anything about the type of block Delta had and how we can put it back on her.”
“Thank you,” I say to him again, and even though he nods, his eyes won’t meet mine.
I feel a pang of regret. I know that bailing on them is shitty, but the alternative? That’s fucking worse, and I’m incapable of dealing with that. I’m just a twenty-eight-year-old girl from Sandpiper, with two dead parents and an unemployment file. I’m not cut out to be a demon Gate Guardian, no matter how much these demons want me to be.
Crux opens his mouth to say something, but Jerif cuts him off. “Give it a rest, Crux. She’s not fucking cut out for it. Let her go home and hide. We’ll watch out for her even though she wouldn’t do the same for us. We’ll fucking handle the Gate.”
“How?” Crux demands, tossing his hands up in exasperation.
Jerif’s expression grows thunderous. “The same way wealwaysfucking handle it!” he snarls before turning and stomping away into the mausoleum, his footsteps fading after a brief flare of light beyond the doorway that makes me squint.
My throat works down a shaky swallow as I stare at the place Jerif just disappeared from. “I’d like to go home now,” I say, my voice rough and my eyes burning. I won’t cry in front of them, but I need to have a serious break down in the privacy of my bathtub with a bottle of wine.
“I’ll take her,” Echo says with clear disappointment in his black eyes before turning on his heel and walking through the graveyard without waiting for me. I sigh and move to follow him, but Iceman stops me. “Wait,” he says, grabbing my arm. “Take this.”
He hands me a card with a number on the back. “Call us if you change your mind.”
I nod and take the card, shoving it into the pocket of the sweatpants. I glance at Crux and Iceman. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you needed,” I tell them. “Hopefully your next Help Wanted ad gets you someone better than me.”
“Don’t think there is someone better than you, Delta, but thanks anyway,” Iceman tells me with a sad smile.
Not knowing what to say to that, I turn and start walking away, following the shadowed silhouette of Echo far ahead.
The guilt and aftershocks of the panic and fear that I felt weigh down my steps like a ball and chain around my ankle. But I meant what I said. I’m not cut out to be a demon. Maybe that’s why my parents lied to me for all of those years. They knew I wasn’t strong enough for this shit. I guess I should thank them instead of being pissed, but I can’t find the strength to turn away from my hurt feelings either. My life feels like a giant lie, and I’m not sure which of the new truths I learned are the worst.
Guess I’m not as strong as I always thought I was.
12
The screen on my phone lights up, and I squint at the brightness and read the time. I set the phone back down on my side table and roll onto my back with a huff.
Three a.m. and I still can’t fall asleep.
This would make it day nine since Echo dropped me off at my front door and promptly disappeared into a shadow without a word. I spent the whole drive to my house trying to come up with something that would help him understand my choice, something that would keep him from looking at me like he was completely disappointed, but I came up with nothing.
Now, try as I might, I can’t stop replaying everything in my mind over and over again. I don’t know if I’m punishing myself, trying to cement what happened into reality, or prove that I made the right choice. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I thought walking away would solve all my problems, but it didn’t. Because I don’t know if I’ll ever be the same. I definitely don’tfeelthe same anymore.
I give up on trying to fall asleep, and get out of bed with a sigh. If tonight is like every other night, I’ll finally crash from exhaustion around eight in the morning. This new schedule is seriously going to fuck with my potential job prospects, but it’s not like there’s much sliding into my emails at the moment. Besides, there’s that little caveat of me still being afraid to leave the house. I don’t think Iceman has been able to find out much about blocking me so I can’t see demons anymore, because I haven’t heard anything. Not that any of them are really talking to me much.
I pull back a curtain panel and look out the window into the streetlight lit night. I can’t help but wonder which one of the demons is out there tonight. I’ve only caught a hint of them once in a while. Everyone except for Crux stays outside though, and they tend to disappear as soon as I lay eyes on them.
It’s a weird feeling, knowing that someone is out there watching me, but not being able to see them. I find it unnerving, even though I know the guys won’t hurt me or allow me to be hurt. If I’ve paid attention to their shifts correctly, then it should be Crux’s turn to watch me tonight. He’s the only one that will still openly talk to me. Even so, it’s just a generichow are youorwhat’s new,but that’s something at least.
Last time he was on watch, he knocked on the door and helped himself to my couch and TV for an hour. We didn’t chat much, but I was grateful for the company anyway. I was kind of hoping it would become a thing. I’ve realized lately how much I don’t love being alone, but the fact that he hasn’t come in tonight makes me even more anxious than before. He’s probably sick and tired of babysitting me too.
I let the curtain fall back and then head to my closet, ignoring the paint cans and brushes on the floor as I snatch a jacket from a hanger. Shrugging it on, I step into a pair of slippers before heading out and going into the living room. I left the lights on again, which I know is going to really suck for my electric bill, but I’m already in default and dangerously close to being disconnected anyway, so I might as well suck it dry while I can.
Going to the front door, I undo the chain and the deadbolt and wrench it open before stepping out into the night. The air is misty and cold, biting through the sleeves of my jacket and sinking into my leggings. I walk down the path a few footsteps while looking around, hoping that Crux will show himself, but he doesn’t.
“Crux?” My voice sounds way too loud on the dead street, the darkness somehow making my voice reverberate even louder.
