Page 8 of Searching for Beautiful
“I lied, but not for me. For him,” I say. “Don’t you think I realize how stupid that is now? Don’t you think I’ve lost enough?”
“You dropped us. You started to pull away, and then it was all about him. We were best friends, Brynn. It doesn’t make any sense. ”
Diana adds, “Regardless, it was us. We shared everything. There were so many secrets between the three of us, but as long as it was only in our circle it was okay. Before, you wouldn’t have hesitated to tell us something, even if some guy didn’t want you to. Our friendship was more important than that. ”
Everything Mr. Rogers said is happening. And they’re right, too. It’s not like I can expect them to believe me. I just want to go back in time. To go back to the day Jason called me Red and this time, tell him to fuck off. To walk away from him and never think of him again. I want to go back to after Mom died. No, to before she died. I want her back. My life back.
“We all went to one of the Storm’s games last year, Brynn. How do you expect us to believe you didn’t know who he was?” Ellie almost looks like she’s pleading with me. Like she wants me to give her an answer she can believe, but all I have is the truth.
“What?” I push off the door. “That happened way before I met him! Did you know who he was? If I said the name Jason Richter, would you automatically know he’s a baseball player? We couldn’t have cared less about that game. The three of us only went because the boys wanted us to. While Ian, Todd, and Kevin watched that stupid game, we painted our nails! We freaking Facebooked on our phones. Plus, it’s not like there aren’t a million Jason Richters in the world. ” I’m sorry I lied. I’m sorry I couldn’t deal with Mom better. Sorry I still don’t know how to deal with any of this.
Even though Ian and I had been off and on, it had always been the six of us. The only difference is, before the end of seventh grade, we had Christian instead of Ian. But then Mom died. Then I messed up the balance when I met Jason; I kept myself apart from our little group.
“Pretty big coincidence. ” Ellie isn’t pleading with me anymore. That’s always been Ellie. She doesn’t take crap from anyone. She’s strong, and I’ve always wished I could be more like her, but now I’d love for her to not be the type who is willing to walk away. To understand and give a second chance, because I don’t know how I’ll deal with this if I lose them for good. “And speaking of Facebook, what about his page? It would have said he played baseball. ”
“He told me he didn’t have one. Why would I assume he lied about that?”
“Whatever. That doesn’t explain the rest of it. I thought we were friends. ” Diana shakes her head. “I guess all these years meant nothing to you if you can’t tell us the truth. We don’t even know who you are anymore, Brynn. ” A single tear leaks out of her eye.
With that, they turn their backs on me and walk away.
I don’t know who I am anymore, either.
Chapter Six
Before
“We should go out tonight. I don’t feel like being in the house. ” Ellie looks at me from my computer chair. I’m curled up on my bed in my pajamas. It’s Friday night. We love hanging out on the weekends, but how can I ever go out again? They shouldn’t expect me to.
“I don’t feel like it. ” I trace the pattern on my headboard with my finger, every curl of green leaves and vines. All the delicate flowers Mom spent hours painting for my birthday this year. It’s still here and she’s not. She hasn’t been here for a month now.
I wish I could make something, the way she did. I used to be able to. But I haven’t touched my pottery since she’s been gone.
“I think you should,” Ellie adds. “Even just the mall or something. You can’t spend all your time locked in the house like…”
My father?
A hermit?
The loneliest person in the world?
I feel like them all. I don’t think there will be a day when I don’t feel like I’m all of those things. Maybe that’s the way it should be. There isn’t an answer book to this type of thing.
“What about Ian?” Diana adds. “You’ve been ignoring him. All he wants is to be there for you, Brynn. We all do. ” I know it’s true; I do, at least with her and Ellie. But knowing and reacting are two different things. I can’t make myself do the latter.
My lips stretch into a half smile to placate them. I don’t tell them Ian is calling me less and less. That I’m not calling him at all, though I’m sure they know that part, since I’m not calling them, either. “I’m tired… I don’t know…” My mom is gone! I want to tell them. My best friend in the world is gone and I hate the way things were left between us. Why can’t they understand?
“Okay, so you relax tonight, but you have to go to Ian’s birthday party tomorrow. That’s, like, a girlfriend duty. ” Ellie comes over and sits next to me on the bed. “I know you miss her…”
If she knows, then why is she talking to me about girlfriend duty? Parties and movies don’t mean anything to me right now.
“God, she was the coolest, right? Your mom was so awesome. I always wished she was mine. ” This from Diana.
“Oh, you remember that one time…”
They launch into stories about my mom. Stories about her like she was theirs. Like they miss her as much as I do. Like it’s okay to sit here and talk about her as though it’s not a big deal that she’s gone. It is a big deal. The biggest deal, and they’re laughing and talking and I hate that I can’t do it, too. I hate that I’m mad at them for it.
They go straight from that into Ian’s party and what they’re wearing and, oh, Brynn, I think you should wear, and I nod when I’m supposed to and reply when I’m supposed to, but somehow their words leave me feeling more and more empty inside.
