Page 81 of Searching for Beautiful
She is. We both know it. “I wish you were going with us. ” I turn and lean against my dresser.
“Eh. ” She shrugs. “I’m a lot of things, but a high school dance crasher isn’t one of them. ”
“You wouldn’t be crashing. I could have gotten you a guest pass. ”
She doesn’t reply to that. Instead, she walks over to my bed, sits down, and kicks up her feet. “I probably shouldn’t do much dancing. I always loved it, though. We’ll go sometime. Once the baby comes, things will be different. ” There’s a sad edge to her voice. A few weeks ago, I probably would have ignored it, but now, I won’t. Walking over, I sit beside her.
“Are you scared?” I ask.
She pauses, taking a couple deep breaths before she replies. “A little. I mean, who expects to give birth to a baby at our age? And knowing that I’m giving her up…” Another pause. She wipes her eyes. “I know in my heart it’s the right choice. It’s the best thing for my little girl and for me, but it’s scary, too. Scary and sad. ”
I put a hand on her leg to comfort her. It’s not something I would have expected to be able to do. Once I told about Max, I was so scared she wouldn’t want anything to do with me. It was a few days before she showed up at the center again, but when she did, she came right up, sat with me, and invited me to go see a movie with her.
We went the next day, and then we went out for ice cream a couple days later. This morning she came out to my pottery room with me and drew while I worked on a piece. I like that we share a love of art.
We haven’t talked about Max. She knows I told. The look is always there in her eyes, but I think her asking me to that movie was her way of saying it’s what she really wanted me to do all along. I know how easy it is to feel something—to need it, but not be able to put it into words. I am glad to have been her voice.
It’s amazing sometimes how much easier things are if someone takes the choice out of your hands. I’m sixteen. I don’t want to worry about the big stuff. I have time for that later.
Right now, I just want to be young and have fun.
And I know one day, she’ll be able to be her own voice.
“That’s understandable…being scared. I think you’re being a great mom, though. ”
She cocks her head, her eyes wet. “But I’m giving her away. How does that make me a good mom?”
I think about my mom and dad and about the woman who gave me away. I don’t know anything about her. Never wanted to, but I know she did the right thing. I know I was meant to be a De Luca girl. Meant to dance with Mom and do pottery and hear her stories about love. Mom and Dad were my destiny, and the mother who birthed me made the best choice for me by giving me a chance to find them.
“Because you’re making a hard decision, one that people might not understand, but you’re doing it because you know it’s best for her. I think my mother would have said that’s what being a mom is about. That beautiful kind of love. Doing what’s right for someone else, even though it will hurt you. ”
I gasp when Emery leans forward and pulls me into a tight hug. My arms wrap around her, embracing her back. We don’t talk for a few seconds, and them Emery pu
lls away. “Thank you,” she tells me.
I smile at her. “No problem. ”
“No…not about that. Well yes, about that, but also about Max…for telling. I wouldn’t have had the guts to do it, but I know I needed to get away from him. ”
It’s the most perfect thing she can say to me. I squeeze her hand, trying to show her how much those words mean to me. It’s so hard, not knowing if you’re doing the right thing. Not knowing where betrayal lies and just wanting the best for someone else. Right and wrong isn’t always clear. Or maybe it is, if we really take the time to look. From now on, I’m looking.
“I didn’t want to betray you, but I wanted you to be okay. ”
“I am. Or I will be. ” Before I can keep the conversation going, she adds, “What time are you leaving?”
I look at the clock beside my bed. “Christian should be here any minute. We’re meeting Kevin, Todd, Ellie, Diana, Ian, and his girlfriend for dinner and then heading over. I’m nervous. This is the first time I’ve done something with my friends in a long time. ” We’ve been talking, but we’re kind of taking it slow. Tonight is a big night in more ways than one.
It will be the first time I’ve seen Ian outside of school since we talked, too. Clearing the air with him was something I felt I had to do. He was more hurt than I realized when things fell apart after Mom died. Ian and I were so back-and-forth and up-and-down, but what I didn’t know was that he’d sort of gotten used to that. I didn’t realize he cared more than he showed, and even though he’s the one who dumped me, he thought we’d get back together. It’s not that he loved me, but I was comfortable, and breaking up for good pulled him out of that zone he was used to.
There’s a soft knock on my door. Glancing to the right, I see Dad standing there. “Christian’s here. ”
Emery nudges me and I stand. “You guys will be great,” she says.
Dad walks over and touches my hair. “You look beautiful, dolcezza. ”
“Thanks, Daddy. ”
“Your mother would have loved to see you right now. ”
