Page 67 of Searching for Beautiful
So he does. He plays songs I don’t know. Songs that are his and then a couple of other people’s. Christian’s voice is beautiful. It sings to my soul and makes my hands yearn to be covered in clay so I can match my passion with his. So I can lose myself the way he does.
With each song he plays, I think about the look in his eyes as he spoke about his family. The freedom in them, the honesty, and I want that feeling.
I want it more and more and more.
One of his songs ends and he opens his mouth to start another, but I know if I don’t speak right now, if I don’t open my mouth and say it, I never will. “I met Jason not long after my mom died. ”
Christian’s eyes widen, but he doesn’t speak. He sets his guitar next to us and looks at me.
Author: Nyrae Dawn
“He told me I was beautiful. He called me his beautiful and it was so close to what Dad said about Mom that I thought it was destiny. How stupid is that?” I shrug. “I mean, there’s more to it. I was lonely and missing Mom. I guess I thought he could fill something in me that I’d lost. ”
“You respect your parents. You love them. I think it’s normal to try to get what they have. ”
“Not when you totally lose yourself in it. ”
Like he always does, Christian speaks the truth. “No, not then. ”
When I start to talk again, the words come out easier than I thought they would. Actually, it’s like they’re pushing their way out, tumbling and fighting one another to find their way out of my mouth. “He fed me lines and I fell for them. I can’t believe I fell for them. He said he had a bad home life and wasn’t supposed to date. We’d meet at what I thought was his brother’s house, which I later found out was his. He wanted me to keep our relationship a secret and I did… Only Ian had started dating someone else and, I don’t know, I didn’t want to feel left out, I guess, so I told them about Jason, but said I didn’t want anyone to meet him. ”
The words are like acid on my tongue. They make me feel stupid. So incredibly stupid. Was I really the kind of girl who would fall for that? Who felt left out because everyone was dating someone other than me so I had to brag about Jason? Had to say I didn’t want anyone to meet him?
The thought makes me nauseous.
Am I any better now?
“I know you heard the rumors. ”
“Like I said, I don’t give a shit about rumors. I want to hear it from you. ” And then he pulls out his gummy bears and I reach in the bag and grab one. It’s silly. So silly, but it’s comforting. Somehow, it helps.
“I…I got pregnant. I thought he loved me. He was the only boy I’d ever been with. ”
Christian’s features visibly tighten.
“When I told him, he wanted me to get rid of it and I couldn’t. There were never two people in the world who loved each other like Mom and Dad—and they tried for a baby forever, both before and after they adopted me. How could I get rid of mine? I’m all for a girl’s right to choose, but I wasn’t choosing. He was. And that’s when I found out who he really was. That he played for the Storm and he was twenty-three. But I didn’t know. I swear I didn’t know, Christian. Everyone thinks I did because I wouldn’t let them meet him, but I didn’t. ”
He curses and pulls me to him. I let him hug me, take comfort in his arms as I cry. I hate all the tears I’ve shed since Mom died. She was all about happy, and that’s what she wanted for me. But the tears feel good right now, too. Almost cleansing, and I need to be cleansed of my past. Of Jason.
“He said he would tell everyone that I lied about my age. The crazy thing is, he didn’t even have to—they all just assumed it because I’d kept the relationship secret. No one asked me if I was telling the truth. My lies about not wanting anyone to meet Jason came back to haunt me. It just made everyone think I did lie to Jason and that I knew. ”
Christian squeezes me tighter.
“Even my dad. He’s never said it, but I know he wonders. How can he think I would do something like that?”
I feel Christian shake his head from where my face is buried against him.
“This is one of those times I’m going to sound sexist, but I don’t think it’s that, Bryntastic. Your dad’s a guy. He feels like it was his job to protect you. I think he looks at you and thinks he failed. ”
His words give me a kind of comfort I never would have expected. I don’t want Dad to think he failed me, but I don’t want him to doubt me, either.
“You think so?”
He nods.
“Is that how you feel? About your mom and Angelica?” The way his blue eyes darken is the only answer I need. “Christian, it wasn’t your fault. ”
“I know that. I do. Sometimes it’s just hard. ”
