Page 64 of Searching for Beautiful
“Come here, mija. ” She holds her arms out to me over the fence and I fall into them. Let her hug me the way Mom would have.
“I miss my mom so much,” I say into Brenda’s neck as I cry harder. She shushes me as she strokes my hair and hugs me. When she pulls away, I want to cry harder, but realize she’s climbing over the fence. Christian’s mother is climbing over my fence and then I do cry harder, happy tears mixed with sad ones because it makes my heart feel good to have her.
She wraps an arm around me and we walk. I’m crying and she’s shushing. She leads me right into my house. Doesn’t freak out that Dad might wonder what the heck she’s doing here. All she’s thinking about is me, and she sits on the couch and I lay my head in her lap and cry more. Cry for the Mom I miss. For the boy I hate. And for the boy next door. The first boy I danced with. The boy who called me beautiful. The one I’m scared to love.
When my eyes won’t cry any more tears, I let them close. Brenda doesn’t stop touching my hair. She doesn’t get up to leave. Just lets me lie there.
“He wasn’t always bad,” I say, not sure why I feel the need to say anything good about Jason. It’s true, though. If he had been horrible from the beginning, I probably never would have fallen for him.
“I’m sure he wasn’t. ”
I pause before saying, “He picked me flowers sometimes. And he made me a playlist full of my favorite songs and another one of songs that reminded him of me. ” We laughed sometimes, too. I’ll never know if any of those moments were genuine, but they’d felt that way to me.
“I miss my mom,” I tell her again.
“I know you do, sweet girl. ”
Right before I fall asleep, I say, “You remind me of her. ” Then I let my world go black.
…
“Brynn?” The sound of my dad’s voice jerks me out of sleep. I’m still on the couch. Still with my head in Brenda’s lap as she sleeps with her head against the back of the couch.
“Dad…I…” Freaked out. Lost it.
“Hola. ” Brenda stirs. I sit up and she stands and holds out her hand. “I’m Brenda. Christian’s mom. I wondered if we could have a moment alone in the kitchen. ”
I’m not even scared of what she’ll say. I trust her. I know she’ll say it better than I would.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Now
“You’ll call me if anything goes wrong, right?”
“Yes, Dad,” I tell him for the millionth time.
“If you don’t want to go, you can change your mind. ”
“I know. ” How do I tell him I’m tired of changing my mind? That I need to find a way to do this. It’s just Christian. It’s just a coffeehouse. It’s not a big deal.
Author: Nyrae Dawn
“Brenda said… Is that the first dream about Jason that you’ve had, Brynn?” His voice is low.
I think about lying. Almost do, but stop myself. “No. But they’ve been less lately. ” Even though it’s the truth, a bit of guilt still weighs me down, since it’s not the whole truth. Dad’s being cool. He’s letting me go out with Christian. I don’t want to jeopardize the progress we made by telling him about talking to Jason. I don’t even want to think about how he would react.
He closes his eyes and I know it’s because he’s hurting. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
Because I can’t. Because you don’t believe me. You’ve never said you believe me. “It’s…hard. ”
Tell me I can. Tell me you want me to. Tell me you believe me. That you just trust in me like she would have.
But he doesn’t. And the doorbell rings. “I’ll call you later, okay?” I tell him. It’s silly that Christian insisted on coming over to get me, but kind of sweet, too.
Dad hugs me. “Have fun and be careful. ”
I tell him I will, and then I take a few deep breaths before going to see Christian.
