Page 46 of Searching for Beautiful
Author: Nyrae Dawn
I grab my chips.
He sticks his hand in my bag and then pops a chip into his mouth.
“Help yourself. ”
Christian smirks. “I did. Plus, I share my gummy bears, you can share your chips. ”
Then he’s lost in another song.
I down my soda. For some reason, my heart is beating a little too fast.
But it’s easy and natural, almost like being by myself, but not lonely. It’s amazing how much more alone you can feel without someone sitting beside you. Just feeling the heat of another person’s body and hearing his breathing and knowing he’s completely comfortable with you. That he’s not questioning you, or looking inside you to try to find answers you’re afraid to give.
In a way, it’s freeing.
“You’re thinking hard over there,” Christian says.
“Just listening to you play. ” I glance over at him.
“Well, it’s because of you I even play the guitar. ”
My heart jumps. “What? How is that?”
“When we moved, things weren’t easy for a while. ” I realize he doesn’t know what his mom told me. Christian continues before I decide if I should bring it up or not. “That’s when I started getting pissed about stuff. When Mom made me talk to a counselor about it, it helped, but not completely. I don’t know what made me think about it, but I remembered you with your pottery. I decided I needed to find something that was mine. So yeah, when I’m famous one day, you’ll be able to say Christian Medina plays the guitar because of me. ” He grabs another one of my chips and pops it into his mouth.
Words get trapped in my throat. My body feels all jittery. “Really? Because of me?”
“Yep. ”
He didn’t have to tell me that. It makes me want to give him a truth, too. I feel like I owe him one. “I know you’ve heard rumors about what happened to me… About what I did. ”
“I told you I don’t listen to that stuff. I don’t know the story until I hear it from you. My mom taught me that. ”
“Still, you’ve heard it and I know what everyone thinks… And I didn’t… Lie, I mean. I know people wonder if I knew about Jason or if I lied about my age, and I didn’t. I usually don’t bother denying it, since I know people won’t believe it anyway. ” A weight lifts off my chest with the admission. I didn’t know who Jason was. I never would have lied about my age. It’s something I should have admitted sooner. Should have made sure everyone knew, instead of hoping it would just go away.
I consider telling him about Jason talking to me at the store, about the phone call, but decide against it. Baby steps.
“I believe you. They taught me that in counseling. To trust people unless they give you a reason not to. ”
My arms itch to reach out and hug him. “Thanks. ”
Before he can reply, the bell rings. Lunch is over, plumes of students filling the halls again. Christian stands and holds out his hand to help me up. I take it and he smiles. “Thanks for eating with me today. See ya last period. ”
And then he’s gone.
…
After school, I grab what I need from my locker and head toward Christian’s car. My old friends are out there, talking, their cars parked next to one another—next to Christian’s. Another one of my inner demons sprouts up. Like that game kids play where you hit the mole with the mallet, there’s always more cropping up.
They’re talking to Christian through his window and he’s laughing at something. A week ago I probably would have waited to go out. I’m tired of being afraid, though, so I put one foot in front of the other and keep going.
“Hey, slow ass,” Christian teases when I get in the car.
“Hey. ” I pull my backpack to my lap. Ellie wraps her arms around her boyfriend’s waist and looks over at me. For a second, I think I see the flash of a smile, but it’s gone too quickly for me to know for sure.
“I gotta go. Robin’s waiting for me,” Ian says.
