Page 35 of Searching for Beautiful
“I would have said so. ” He sits down, his legs out in front of him, comfortable in who he is. I used to be like that. Or at least, I think I was. If I were really that confident, I’m not sure I would have fallen for Jason.
“I’m sorry,” I blurt out before I lose my nerve.
Christian sighs. “Took you long enough to apologize. ” He stalls and I wonder if he’s going to ask me to leave when he adds, “We all deal with shit. I’ve seen too much and I don’t play games, so we’re cool or we’re not. You choose. ”
“What have you dealt with?” I ask.
“Just stuff. My mom works at a teen center, remember? I’ve seen a lot. She’s taught me and told me tons. ”
Which makes sense, but there’s something off about it, too. Something that makes me think there’s more to the story than Christian wants to share. I never would have expected that from him. He seems like such an open book.
“I haven’t heard you in your backyard much. That’s your studio out there, right?”
No, I haven’t been out there. There’s not really a point. It’s not like I’m making anything.
Author: Nyrae Dawn
“Haven’t been in the mood. ” For something to do, I sit on the opposite side of the couch from him. It’s brown leather and makes a little sound when I sit. Across from us, the TV is mounted to the wall, with shelves beneath it filled with all sorts of boy TV stuff. And then, I turn my head and look at him. I didn’t want to because I hate the way he looks at me. Hate it and love it at the same time. Not because I like him, because I don’t—I won’t—but I love it because it’s normal and hate it because it makes me feel naked. Like he’s seeing inside me in a way Jason never did.
I’m pretty sure we both know I’m lying. Know I don’t go into my room because it makes me feel even more lost. That I don’t go out there because I can’t make anything ever again. I send tiny little wishes into the universe that he doesn’t call me on it. That he doesn’t ask me why I’m not in the mood, or why I’m here to see his mom, or why I watch him and then treat him badly.
Christian gives a slight shrug before he leans forward, past the candy bowl and toward his bag of gummy bears. He pours some into his lap and hands me the bag, which I take. I pop one into my mouth, briefly getting a whiff of that sugary smell that reminds me of him.
“I only do old-school horror flicks. Nightmare on Elm Street is in. That cool with you?” he asks around a gummy. For some reason, I wonder if we’re eating the same color.
“Perfect. ”
For the next two hours, there’s nothing but scary dreams, knife fingers, and Freddy’s messed-up face. No questions, no small talk, and it’s just what I need.
Right as the credits start to roll, the front door opens, propelling me off the couch. Calm down, Brynn. You weren’t doing anything wrong.
Brenda walks in, dressed like a Mexican dancer. “Whew, I’m tired— Oh, hey! How are you?” She smiles at me.
“Fine. We were just watching a movie, but it’s over, so I’m heading home now. ”
Christian walks forward, scratching his head. “Where’s Sally?” he asks his mom. For a second, I wonder who that is, but I remember he has a sister. I’ve never seen her, but there’s another woman I see come and go. Could be her, too.
“She’ll be home soon. She’s on an ice cream run. ” Brenda turns toward me. “You don’t have to go. ” I get one of those “Mom” looks from her.
“No, I should get home. It’s pretty late. My dad’s gone until tomorrow afternoon and he might call the home phone to check on me. ” Which is true.
“She came to see you. ” Christian crosses his arms and stands next to me. He’s not close enough to touch me but somehow I feel him. My skin warms and pebbles with goose bumps at the same time.
“I just wanted to say hi. I was bored over there by myself. I’m getting a little bit tired now, but I appreciate the offer to stay. ”
“Breakfast!” Brenda claps her hands, confusing me. Breakfast?
“I know you have to go, but come eat with us in the morning. Do you like chorizo?”
Christian talks before I get a chance. “Mom, are you trying to show off? Pulling out the big guns on her?”
Huh?
“I am not! I’m being nice, mijo. Her dad is gone, I missed her tonight, and yeah, I can cook a mean breakfast. ”
Christian shakes his head, a smile tilting his lips. “Whatever. ” Next he turns to me. “I’ll walk you home. ”
“You don’t have to do that,” I rush out.
