Page 33 of Searching for Beautiful
She was awesome at that. I used to think she had some kind of magic feeling detector. Like she could read me. She knew when I needed to talk, when I needed to be held, or when I just needed quiet. When I would want her to sit and watch me make a piece of pottery just because it felt good to have someone there.
But it wasn’t just with me. She and Dad were like that, too. She always knew what he needed. She finished his sentences. When he had a bad day at work, she somehow knew and made his favorite meal.
I wish she were here to make things better. Not just for me, but for Dad, too. I think every day he misses her more.
Every day, I miss them both more.
“Are you sure you’re going to be okay, Brynn?” Dad seems sad as he stands in the living room, looking at me. He has those little wrinkles by his eyes and I try to remember if he’s always had them or if they only popped up since Jason. “Maybe I shouldn’t go… I’m not sure I should leave you…”
It’s Saturday. Halloween, to be exact.
Dad conveniently has some conference or something to go to and I can’t help but wonder if he just needs to get away. I imagine him spending the night, driving the streets and looking for all the haunted houses he can find and wondering if Mom would like them. Knowing Mom’s would have been better.
“I’ll be fine, Dad. ”
He shakes his head, clearly at a loss. My arms suddenly tingle, and I wish I had the power to hug him and take the pain away. “I don’t know, Brynn… It’s the first time I’ve left you since…everything. And it’s Halloween. I’m sure you’ll be going out with your friends, and I should be home. ”
Anger eclipses my sadness. Be out with my friends? He knows damn well I don’t have friends anymore. That I haven’t gone anywhere besides the stupid center in months. “When’s the last time you saw my friends, Dad? You know I’m not going anywhere. ”
Dad pops his knuckles. When did he start doing that? Mom would be appalled. The sound used to drive her crazy when I did it. If at all possible, his eyes look even more pained as he walks over and sits by me on the couch.
“Do you…do you want to talk about it, dolcezza?”
I can’t help but wonder if it’s strange that I can’t speak to my own dad. I mean, how would I even do it? Explain to him that I thought I was in love. That I had sex and got pregnant and now, even though I wasn’t ready to have a baby, I feel a little empty knowing it’s suddenly gone. Just poof! Like magic. No, not magic because Mom was magic, but like some sort of dark force that swooped in and hollowed me out.
But I sort of want to talk to him. Or at least, I want him to wonder. Want him to ask, and hold me, and call me dolcezza because even if he can’t have his bella signora, I hope he can have his sweetheart. That I hope I can be enough. Most of all, I want to take away his sadness. I dream at night for a huge eraser that I can use to delete the parts of our past when everything started to change.
“Is it because of Ja— That boy?” His voice gets tight all of a sudden, and even though I hate the shame I hear when he speaks, my eyes sting because he’s asking. Even though half the time he can hardly look at me, there are still moments he wishes he could make it better. I wonder where he would use his eraser—if he would mark this out for me.
But telling him the truth, spelling it all out for him and telling him I’ve seen Jason, talked to Jason, makes me wonder if he would be even more disappointed in me. “Dad…I can’t. ”
He sighs, and I think it’s a mixture of relief and fear. “What about another counselor? We could get you someone else to talk to if you don’t like Valerie. I know I’m not good at this stuff. Maybe someone else would be better. ”
Mom would be better at this. I know that’s what he means.
“No. ” I pick at my pajama bottoms. “I’m okay. ”
“What about a teacher at school? Anyone?”
“Okay,” I tell him. It has to be hard on him, too, having a daughter who always had a full house, who he never had to worry about, who now only leaves to go to school. “I will. Actually, maybe I can call my friend Brenda. She’s new. I just met her a few weeks ago. There’s also another girl named Emery I met at the center. ”
The half smile that tugs at his mouth tells me using a name helps.
Trying to continue to play the part, I swat his leg. “Now get out of here. You don’t want to get to your hotel too late. I’m going to watch scary movies, call Brenda, and eat way too much ice cream. ”
Again, his mouth starts to tilt downward. “Brynn…”
“It’s okay. I’m okay. ”
After another sigh, he’s gone.
…
I stare at the screen and my finger freezes on the remote control. I know I should turn it, but it’s like the villain from the scary movie has jumped from the screen into my life and severed the connection from my brain to my hand.
No, even a movie villain has nothing on the face covering the screen right now.
Jason. He’s doing a local commercial?
