Page 17 of Searching for Beautiful
Standing, I walk out of the room without bothering to reply.
…
The morning crawls by without a glimpse of Christian. I don’t know why I notice or why I care, but I do. Not care, but notice. I’ve been telling myself all morning that I refuse to spend lunch in the bathroom again. I’m not that girl. I don’t have to hide out. Jason’s taken everything else from me, and I refuse to let him turn me into the girl who hides in the bathroom every day, too.
As I close my locker to head to the cafeteria, I see them. Diana, Ellie, Todd, Kevin, Ian…and Christian. It’s like my feet suddenly refuse to move. I don’t know why. I mean, why should it matter? They don’t care about me, so I shouldn’t care about them. They were friends with Christian before, so it makes sense they would be again now.
Somehow knowing it and seeing it are two different things. If it weren’t for Jason, I would be with them. Maybe holding Ian’s hand. Maybe not. Maybe reminiscing with Christian or finding out why he disappeared back then. Or maybe I’d be laughing with Ellie. Teasing Diana. Something. Anything, as a part of that group.
The group Christian fell back into so easily. I can’t help but wonder how much about me he knows. Wonder if he’s told them why he left so suddenly after our dance.
Christian pushes his hair back and laughs at something Ellie says. Playfully shoves Kevin like it hasn’t been years and years since they’ve seen each other. With no thought, they took him back into the group.
It’s like a reinforcement of that wall. Like there’s now brick built around the wood. My stomach aches and my heart hurts. I don’t want to think it, but I do. I want to be with them.
Snapping out of it, I turn toward the lockers, hoping they won’t notice. Hoping I can somehow blend in with the stupid puke-colored doors.
“Hey, Bryntastic,” Christian says from behind me.
Turn around and face him! Stop staring at the locker! The rest of the group goes silent behind me, like they’re wondering why he’s talking to me.
Turn around! I tell myself again. Show them you don’t care. I turn. “Umm, hey. ” It’s a blast back in time to see him. Christian Medina. Even though I looked for him this morning, I think a part of me thought it might have been a dream. Or a nightmare. That it’s impossible for Christian to come back now.
I glance over at Ellie and Diana. They’re whispering to each other. Todd and Kevin are looking at Christian like he’s mental. But Ian’s ice-blue eyes are lasers, penetrating me, trying to burn me alive.
“I’m hungry. Let’s go eat, man. ” Todd nudges Christian.
Christian grins at me. It’s not a full smile, more like a half one. It makes my stomach tingle but I tamp it down, angry at myself. I’m done with boys. Boys who want sex or pretend they love a girl. I’ll never risk that hurt from losing…
Author: Nyrae Dawn
My hand rests against my stomach.
“Come on, pottery girl. You’re eating with us, right?” My shock must show on my face because Christian then adds, “Did I say something wrong? You’re still into pottery, right?”
“Yeah, I’m done here. ” Ian gives me another icy look before walking away. Everyone else stands there, but you can tell it’s for Christian and not for me.
For months all I’ve wanted is for someone to treat me normally, and now that someone’s doing it, I have no idea how to respond. I want to run. I want to hug him. But then Jason’s face shoves its way into my head. This is something he would have done. Out of all the girls he could have talked to at the bowling alley that night, he’d picked me. Now, here’s Christian trying to pull me in, too.
“No. ” Shaking my head, I hope I look more confident than I feel. And as stupid and insane as it is, a part of me hopes he’ll insist. Or say that he’ll eat out here with me, but then I don’t want him to stay with me, either. Is it wrong to want someone to do something you won’t let them do?
Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, I don’t get a chance. Christian shrugs, turns, and they all walk away. They’re not five feet from me before they’re talking and he’s laughing again.
…
Like I do in every class where we get to choose our own seats, I head to the very back of my seventh-period Government and Law class. The seats start to fill up, though the ones by me, of course, people avoid. It’s a weird feeling, knowing people are avoiding me. That no one wants to even sit by me. I don’t get what they think will happen, but honestly, that doesn’t even matter. What matters is, it sucks.
Have I ever treated someone like this? I rack my brain, but I can’t think of anyone. We’re not like those schools you hear about on TV. I don’t ever remember people getting teased or harassed. But did I ever pay attention to anyone being ignored? I wonder if this might be just as bad.
My eyes keep finding the door, wondering who all will be in class with me, which I guess I would know if I didn’t skip the second half of yesterday. I’ve gotten pretty lucky so far. Ellie here, Diana there, but no classes with the two of them together. No classes with— My eyes snap away from the door. Ian, the one who hates me the most.
The fist squeezing my insides loosens when Ian sits on the opposite side of the room from me. And then he shakes his head, rolls his eyes, like I’m a disappointment to him.
I’m paying so much attention to Ian, I don’t notice someone step up to the desk beside me. Don’t hear the chair pull out. It’s not until Ian’s stare shifts from me, his eyes widening slightly, that I turn to see who it is.
Christian Medina.
“What’s up?” He nods his head once, like boys do sometimes. That confident “hi” thing a girl could never pull off.
