Page 13 of Searching for Beautiful
Guilt rumbles around inside me. He tried so hard. Jason wanted this night to be perfect for us. He’s made things better for me and disappointing him sucks. Especially when I know how tough things are with him and his dad. He’s trying so hard to be someone different. It’s one of the things I love about him the most.
“I got ya something. ” He kisses me and then walks out of the room, coming back with a bouquet of flowers.
“They’re beautiful. ”
“Eh, it’s nothing. ”
“To me it is. ”
He cups my cheek. “Then I’m glad I did it. Since we’re done eating, wanna go outside with me?”
“Sure. ”
We go to the backyard, Jason bringing the bottle with him. I sit on his lap and when he asks me if I want a drink the next time, his forehead doesn’t wrinkle when I say no.
We talk and he makes jokes that I laugh at. I love these moments with Jason—just talking and enjoying each other.
About an hour later, his cell beeps and he frowns when he tells me he has to leave.
“I’m sorry, Red. I’ll make it up to you. I was hoping tonight would be the night. ”
My heart speeds up a little, but I fight to calm it. I want to have sex with Jason. I told him we would soon.
“Soon,” I say.
He cups my cheek. “I love you so much. You’re so special, Brynn. I can’t wait to be with you. ”
A pleasant ache forms low in my belly. Suddenly, I can’t wait, either. “I love you, too. I want— I want to be with you, too. ”
Jason smiles and then he kisses me. After walking me out front, he thanks me for spending the evening with him before I get into my car. Jason stands in the driveway and watches me until I drive away, hopefully wishing we were still together, like I am.
Chapter Ten
Now
My eyes squeeze closed. I can’t believe it was all a lie. How could someone fake that? There were times Jason got angry or times I didn’t get him, but we had those perfect, wonderful moments, too. Those were the ones I loved.
“Smells good. ” I jump at Dad’s words. He steps into the kitchen in a T-shirt and jeans, having already taken off his suit. I didn’t even hear him come in the house.
Just like the kids today stared at me, I can’t stop looking at him, trying to figure him out. Is he going to be pissed about school? Will he finally be able to look at me? Will he call me dolcezza again and hug me, tell me that he wants to kill Jason for hurting me? That he believes me, because even though he’s been by my side, he’s never spoken those words.
“Thanks. ” I dish us both plates, words teasing my tongue. Jason called. They should be so easy to speak, but if I do, everything will start again. Dad will freak out and we’ll never be able to get over it. I want to forget.
Once we’re both at the table, he cuts into his meat, takes a bite. Then another, flickering his gaze to me every few seconds but never holding it there long. It’s so strange, seeing my dad so adrift like this. At a loss for words. There’s a difference between someone who doesn’t speak often and someone who doesn’t have a lot to say. He’s always been sort of quiet, but he always knew what to say when it counted. His words always meant something. It’s another thing I feel like I’ve stolen away from him.
“So…I’m assuming you know I didn’t go to my afternoon classes. ” I toss a life raft out to him, the way no one did to me.
“Yes, I spoke with the school before you went back. We decided it best if we keep in contact, at least in the beginning. We—”
“You what?” The fork tumbles out of my shaky fingers, clanking against my plate. So he had talked to someone about my doing independent study. Maybe I should feel thankful but somehow, I feel betrayed—like he didn’t even trust me enough to come to me about it before he talked to the school.
“No one knows we’re in contact, Brynn. We just want to make this transition as smooth as possible. Keeping in touch is the best way to do that. ”
Transitions. I’m tired of transitions, learning to live without Mom, dealing with betrayal, knowing I had a baby inside me and now it’s gone. “No, you wanted to check on me. What? To make sure I don’t have sex with other boys like I did Jason?”
Dad’s face pales, making me wish I could snatch the words back. Shove them down my throat, like they never came out. Fear singes me. If I push him too far, maybe he really will regret adopting me.
“I…” No other words come out. He’s struck mute again, but he’s looking at me. Really looking at me, except it doesn’t feel good. It makes my gut clench because I see what he’s looking for. Guilt. Trying to look inside me and decide if it’s true. If I did play Jason. If I’m the liar Jason said I was. Or even if I didn’t lie, if I knew. If I thought it cool to be the sixteen-year-old girl sleeping with a twenty-three-year-old.
