Page 66 of Searching for Beautiful
“That’s not true. ” He sets his cup down. “You told me you lost your mom while you were making pottery. That everyone thinks you lied but you didn’t. Those are big things. ”
I nod, because they are.
Christian sighs, but then says, “My stuff isn’t really a big deal. I mean, she was freaked about my parents getting divorced. It made it even harder on her because she didn’t get that Mom was in love with Sally. ”
“What about you? Was it hard on you?”
Christian shrugs. “It was shocking as hell. I was confused, but I think being younger helped me. I was stoked as long as I still had my mom around and was able to get away with more because they didn’t want to upset us. ”
I shake my head, but I’m smiling. “Boys. ”
“Whatever works. ” He looks at the girl singing for a minute and then back at me. “It was hard. Dad was pissed. Hurt. He kind of took it out on all of us and just dropped off the face of the earth for a while. As you know, we moved to deal with it. It was harder on Angelica, though. Like I said, girls are loco and they’re hard as hell on each other. While the guys at the new school thought it was cool I had two moms, the girls gave her crap about it. They teased her about being a lesbian and made big deals about changing in front of her in gym. Shit like that. ”
“I bet that was tough,” I whisper. My friends might not be friends with me anymore, but it’s not like people are teasing me.
“But Angelica had us. Mom would have done anything for her. She would been at the school every day or taken her out. Whatever Angelica needed, but Angelica never said anything to Mom. I didn’t get how serious it was at first. Didn’t see it was a big deal, so when Angelica asked me not to say anything, I didn’t. ”
Emery’s words play in my mind.
“She lost weight and Mom noticed. She still said she was fine. I got pissed because my sister was so sad all the time. Mom was worried and I didn’t get why Angelica couldn’t just tell the people at school to fuck off, ya know?”
That sounds so much like him. Christian’s one of the most caring people I know, but he doesn’t always get it. Doesn’t see that what’s easy for him might not be easy for all of us.
“So that began the cycle. Angelica started to act out. I started to get in fights to…I don’t know, pull the attention away from her or something. It’s crazy how
things catch on in school. The people who didn’t give a shit about it before suddenly did because they saw it bothered her. They saw her as a weak link and it made everyone attack. I wasn’t going to be that weak link, and I wanted to do anything to make it so Angelica didn’t look like one, either. ”
“You love her. ”
“She’s my sister. ” He takes another drink. “So Mom realized what was going on. The school was calling about my fighting all the time. It had been going on for a while. We moved again, and then Angelica just didn’t want to be friends with anyone. She didn’t want to get close and she started to get depressed. Mom had a really hard time. She just wanted to fix her. It was hard for her that she couldn’t. Angelica just got more depressed and I got more pissed. Mom didn’t want me to get as bad as Angelica so she stuck me in classes for my anger. The guitar was better for me than anything else.
“Next thing we knew, Dad was in the picture again and Angelica was going to live with him. ”
Wow…how sad for them all. And just because of who his mom loved.
Love is such a powerful thing. My whole life I’ve been looking for it. I felt it from my parents, talking about it with my mom. Thought I was in love with Christian and then Jason. And Brenda’s loving Sally is what tore their family apart. “That breaks my heart. How sad for all of you. ”
He nods, but doesn’t say anything else. We listen to the music a little while longer and finish our drinks before he says, “You about ready to go?”
I nod and we get up to leave. We talk a little on the ride back to town, but not too much. Our earlier conversation changed the mood, and it’s both good and bad. I’m glad Christian told me that part of him. I respect him for being able to do it. He’s transparent in a way, like he walks around completely open and letting the whole world see inside him, while I’m completely closed off. Sealed up tight. When I think about what I see when I look inside Christian, I know I like it. He isn’t perfect, but no one is.
“Can we not go home yet?” I ask him.
He looks over at me. “Definitely. What do you want to do?”
“Listen to you play. ” If it’s like every other day I’ve gone anywhere with Christian, he has his guitar in his trunk. It’s a part of him. His therapy and his passion. How cool that those things can be one and the same.
“I know the perfect place. ” He drives until we get to a park. It’s not the kind kids play in, but a big, open space far enough from the main street that you can’t see the traffic. In the center is a little white gazebo.
“It’s chilly outside, but I have another jacket in the back if you want it. ”
I nod and Christian gets me the coat, which I put on over my sweater. He’s wearing his typical nineties Christian fashion with a T-shirt and a long-sleeved shirt underneath it.
He grabs the guitar out of the trunk and then we head over to the gazebo.
“What do you want me to play?” he asks.
“Whatever you want. ”
