Page 43 of Searching for Beautiful
Christian mumbles, “Shit,” under his breath before walking over and sitting beside me. We swing for a minute, no noise besides the creak of the chains and the occasional car purring by. I try to work through my thoughts so they make sense. I just swing, and sit, and be with him until I decide to just speak whatever comes out.
“I’m sorry. This isn’t me. The bitchiness. I’m just—”
“All mixed up,” he continues for me. My head whips to the side and he’s smiling that Christian smile, and I return it.
“I’m not always happy, Bryntastic. I’ve dealt with shit, too. I just got to the point where I was over it. Tired of letting anger and pain run my life. I’ve seen what it can do, caring so much what other people think. ”
Because of what he went through with his sister.
Another eternity passes before I find the courage to speak again. I’ve already admitted a few things to Christian this afternoon that I never would have before. I decide here and now to keep going. Even if it’s baby steps. “I need a friend. I think I want that to be you. Can we start over?” It makes sense, when I think about it. Trying to start over by regaining a piece of my past—my friendship with Christian.
More quiet. His breathing. My breathing. My heart slam-dancing in my chest. He’s quiet for too long.
Finally he leans back, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a bag. “Gummy bear?” He holds it out to me and I take one. “There’s the Brynn I remember. ”
I nudge him with my arm. For the first time in forever, I realize I have a friend. Maybe even three friends if I count Brenda and Emery.
“Thank you,” I tell him.
“No problem,” he says. “Jason—do you want to talk about him? Shit, I’m like one of the counselors. Pretend I sounded way cooler when I said that. ”
Christian is good at making me laugh, and this is no different. “Not yet. I’m trying, but I don’t think I’m there yet. ”
Christian nods. “Gimme your phone. ”
I reach into my pocket and pull out my cell. He takes it from me and says, “I’ll put my number in there so you’ll have it if you ever want to use it. ”
He does, and I nudge him again, hoping he knows that’s a thanks.
After he hands me back the cell, we keep swinging. Swinging and eating gummy bears.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Before
“Hey, Bryntastic. ” Christian smiles at me. We’re all at the park after school. Christian showed up not long after Ellie and Diana disappeared somewhere. I’d stayed at the swings. I love the swings. The wind rushing by me is like freedom. The swings make me feel like I can fly.
“Hey,” I reply.
“I like your hair. How it flies around when you’re swinging. ” Christian looks down, and I see a smile making his cheeks move. I’m about two billion degrees. I probably look redder than my hair. Christian is so freaking cute, and he just told me he likes my hair.
“Red hair is lame,” I say.
“Nah, it’s unique. ” He sits on the swing next to me and starts pumping his legs. “Kind of like pottery. I don’t know anyone else who does that. ”
“My mom helped me find it. It’s my favorite thing in the world to do. What’s yours?”
Christian keeps swinging. A hundred years pass before he speaks again. “I haven’t found it yet. ”
“You will. ” I pump my legs as hard as my eleven-year-old legs can.
“Yeah?”
“Absolutely. Everyone has one. My mom says. ”
Together we keep flying through the air. I see Christian pop a piece of candy into his mouth. I grin, thinking I suddenly like Dots a whole lot. “For now I’ll say eating candy. ”
“That’s not the same. ”
