Page 34 of Searching for Beautiful
The urge to throw the remote makes my arm tingle, but I still can’t move. What gives him the right to act so happy?
Really, I can’t blame it all on him. I should have been strong enough to see who he was. Even if I didn’t, I shouldn’t have given him the pleasure of knowing he still gets to me. I feel like one of the girls from the scary movies who goes off on her own or falls every time the monster chases her.
Jason is my monster, and I’m tired of falling.
Finally I make my finger work and push the power button. I’m done with TV, but the silence in the house is just as difficult. Even though I managed to turn off the commercial, he still won. He still stabbed me to death, and if I had my friends, they’d be finding my body by now while some creepy music played in the background.
No. Before I can change my mind, I push off the couch. This is another ridiculous thing that I will probably regret later, but for tonight, I don’t want to be the girl from the movies who separates from the group. I want someone—anyone—to talk to, and there is only one person I can think of.
I grab my cell and keys and head for the door, wondering when I became the person who had no one else to hang out with on Halloween besides someone else’s mom.
When I climb the porch stairs to Christian’s house, my steps falter. It will be awkward if he’s here, since I haven’t managed to apologize yet. But it’s Halloween. There’s no way my friends would stay in tonight, which means he’s out with them.
I make myself knock, little sparks of electricity going off inside me when I do. It’s the first thing I’ve done for myself in so, so long. You know your life has gone downhill when knocking on a door suddenly makes you feel liberated.
“Just a sec!” Christian’s voice comes through the door.
Holy crap.
Christian’s home.
I don’t feel so liberated anymore. What am I supposed to say? Hi, is your mom home?
Automatically I turn, hoping to get out of there before he answers. Maybe he’ll think I’m an impatient trick-or-treater or something. As soon as I take a step toward saving face, though, the door creaks behind me.
“Had to grab some more— Brynn? Aren’t you a little old for ding dong ditch?”
Okay, I totally need an excuse. First, I don’t have a reason fo
r being here and second, I have even less of a reason for running.
Don’t be the first one killed in the scary movie, don’t be the first one killed in the scary movie. I reach for some of that liberation I felt a few minutes ago and turn around. Christian’s standing there in a white T-shirt and a pair of flannel pajama bottoms with a huge bowl of candy in his arms.
I fight the urge to think how adorable he is. Thoughts like that can only lead to more pain.
“Is your mom here?” I blurt out and immediately regret the words.
Christian doesn’t even look at me funny when he answers. “Nope. She’s out. I get to be the one giving candy tonight. ”
I’m distinctly aware of him. That he’s in pajamas and I’m in pajamas and that we haven’t spoken to each other since I made a fool of myself in front of him. Since I let Jason take one more thing away from me. Not that Christian is mine, or that I want him, but in some ways he represents a normal I no longer possess. He’s my past. When I knew him, I didn’t know any of the pain of the world. “Okay. Thanks. ”
Still, I stall, trying to piece together the words in my head. Trying to figure how to apologize for how I’ve treated him. Can we be friends? I’m not sure, but I also don’t want to be that girl. I hate the anger festering inside me like an infection—gangrene taking me over and rotting me from the inside out.
It’s crazy, but Emery pops into my head. She’s strong. She’s having her baby. She still smiles and laughs even though her own parents kicked her out. Internally, I search for my inner Emery.
Before I can find her, Christian says, “Watch a movie with me, Bryntastic. ”
It’s not a question, and I somehow wonder if he knows that if he had asked me, I would have said no. But this way I can pretend I don’t have the option of turning him down. Because I want to stay. I want to just be with someone. “Okay. ” I shrug.
Without another word, he turns and walks inside. My heart beats once, twice, three times before I suck in a deep breath and follow him.
The TV is off in the living room and a sudden burst of panic explodes inside me. Does he want me to go into his room with him? Maybe that was a line like the ones Jason used. If it came down to it, maybe Christian would use me for sex, too.
Somehow, I make myself push those thoughts aside. For one night, I’m going to try to forget the perfect, smiling face I just saw on TV. Try to be the Brynn De Luca from before.
“So…how ya been?” Christian sets down the bowl, picks his guitar off the couch, and leans it on a stand in the corner. He hadn’t been watching a movie at all, and I suddenly feel like I’m intruding.
“If you’re busy…”
