Page 10 of Searching for Beautiful
Chapter Seven
September
Now
My parents met at a high school dance. Mom used to tell me about it all the time, how Dad didn’t go to her school but he’d been at the dance with someone else, and the second their eyes locked from across the room, she knew he was someone special.
She told me how he’d asked her to dance. How he’d called her his beautiful lady in Italian. She said when his arms wrapped around her, she felt dizzy, and in that moment, she knew she loved him.
Ever since the first time I heard that story, two things were true about me. First, I was a total romantic. I wanted a love like Mom and Dad’s. I wanted to be someone’s beautiful, maybe even fall in love just like they had.
Second, I’ve always looked forward to school. Don’t ask me how I brought those two things together—maybe since it was a school dance or because I wanted to believe I’d find my true love at a young age. Or maybe it was because the first time I thought I fell in love, it was at school, in the seventh grade. But whatever the reason, I loved school. Thrived in it.
Now, the thought makes me sick to my stomach.
I can’t stop staring in the mirror of my armoire, looking for some sort of sign that I’ve changed in the last few months. That spending the summer without my friends, alternating between the house and my pottery room, working to create something that just won’t come to me, is enough punishment. That watching my dad try to talk to me, when he can hardly look me in the eyes, is enough of a prison. That knowing I once had life inside me—even if only for a little while—only to have it stolen, is enough torture.
Author: Nyrae Dawn
I’ve paid for Jason’s sins and mine, and now I’m not the same Brynn anymore.
I can’t find those signs I’m looking for.
Nothing tells me this nightmare is over. That when I show up at school today, Ellie and Diana will hug me. Tell me they’re sorry for not believing in me and that they want to be best friends again. That Ian will tell me I didn’t deserve what Jason did to me, and that even though we have a past together, he wants to be friends, too.
We can’t go back and I know that. I don’t even want to, because I will never trust another boy with my heart or my body again, but I want back as many parts of my “before” life as I can have. Selfish, maybe, but true.
“Knock, knock,” Dad says from my open doorway. “Can I come in?”
“Sure. ” I shrug.
“How are you doing?” He’s studying the white metal of my armoire, picking at the peeling paint as though he’s never noticed it before. He’s all dressed up in his suit for work. His black hair is thinning, and I can’t help but wonder what Mom would say if she could see it. If she’d tease him like they loved to do or if she’d keep quiet because she’d have a little gray in hers. Or a couple wrinkles around her mouth. She probably wouldn’t, though. It hasn’t been very long, and I know Dad’s aging is because she’s gone.
“Okay. ” Picking up my brush, I run it through my hair, wishing my answer were true. I’m scared to death to show my face at school. Scared to see the looks from everyone else. Hear the stories of summer parties I missed. See my group of five that used to be six.
I have no doubt everyone knows. I can’t help but wonder if even after a summer, it’s just as fresh for them as it is for me.
“Are you sure?”
My eyes catch his in the mirror. He holds them, and it’s like a time machine, briefly making me feel like nothing has changed. Maybe if we keep looking at each other like this it will make things easier.
“Yes. ”
Dad gives me his ten billionth sad sigh. “Brynn…do you want to do this? Maybe we can look into online school or something. I know they have programs like that now. You’d just have to go in once a week or so. That might be…easier. ”
Wow. It sounds like he already looked into this. The thought makes my palms sweat. If Dad’s worried it’ll be this bad, it’ll probably be worse than I thought.
My first instinct is to jump at the opportunity—scream “Yes!” because I don’t ever want to face my friends again. I don’t want to see the accusation in their eyes. Watch as they run my lies through their heads and turn them into something more than they were.
My only other option is to keep wandering around here, though. To have to look at Dad through a mirror because it somehow gives him the distance he needs to really be able to do it. To see Brynn and not the daughter who got pregnant and lost a baby at sixteen.
No, thank you.
“I have to go back to school, Dad. Maybe it won’t be that bad. ”
His eyes dart away from mine. “Okay. Call me if you need anything. I love you. ” And I know he does. He might not be good with words, even worse so with Mom gone, but Dad loves me. He loved us both. If all this didn’t change how he feels. If this didn’t make him think choosing me turned into more hassle than I’m worth.
With a kiss to the top of my head, he walks out. Love me or not, it’s the first time he’s kissed me since before.
