Page 28 of The Valentine
Then there isthat horrendous woman whose name I will definitely state — SELENA. I have already reported her. The authorities should be arriving any day now to take her away.
Claws crossed!
She kicked me. Poked me. Squeezed me. Pulled my ears. Twisted my tail. And she calls me Mr Whiskers only because she tried to extract every one of my whiskers one by one with a pair of tweezers. I hissed, bit, scratched and carried on, of course, as you do. And survived, as you do.
***
Now, shhh! I have to whisper here.
I overheard ‘E’ and ‘A’ plotting to tie a pair of rings around my neck and take me to a place downtown. I didn’t catch the whole plot, but I really need your help reporting them for catnapping.
Which, as far as I know, is still a serious crime.
They plan to invite all their friends and relatives to watch me walk across a carpet and bring them rings. I heard them telling each other how they plan to stay living together for the rest of their lives. Lives? Make that one life each.
They did a lot of kissy-kissy, and there were some tears when they were plotting this. No word on how I fit into their plan, except for the rings bit. But after their happy ever after is over, it’s fine by me because I’ll still have eight lives left.
Humans with just one life, ha. Losers!
What they plan to do next only God knows — and He’s not let a word slip to me.
I think I’m still her baby. The one and only Croissant. But lately, and confusingly, I’ve heard him calling herhisbaby.
I hope that’s the only baby planned.
I don’t want to put up with any rivals. No babies or houseguests of any species is purrfectly fine with me. Just hoping this Valentine they mention isn’t some weird type of cat, like a Burmese or a Persian. I’ve heard there’s already a Pomeranian in the building - whatever that is. Sounds like a virus.
Whoever, or whatever this Valentine is, I’m ready to rip his eyes out, chew ‘em up and spit ‘em out. If this Valentine thing comes to a showdown, me against him, them, they, it, she, it’s going to be a Valentine’s Nightmare as far as I’m concerned.
***
I’ve heard that they have pencilled Valentine’s Day as the time of my catnapping. Not sure when that is, so please watch out for me.
Until then, I’ll just go about my lives in my usual haughty manner, taking every opportunity to disrupt theirs whenever I can. Meoww!
The End
