Page 92 of The Virgin Romance Novelist Chronicles
Getting lucky in the city is proving to be quite impossible. If it isn’t a pube in the back of my throat, then it’s man’s best friend . . . and I’m not talking about the penis.
Really? Did he really think I was going to kiss him after he made out with his dog? Even if his dog wasn’t licking his junk beforehand, I still would have required a wipe down of the face before we went back to our lip lock.
It’s common sense. Dogs carry a gaggle of germs on one millimeter of their tongues. If they’re not licking themselves, they’re eating their poop, or they’re eating someone else’s poop, or they’re drinking out of a toilet, or just licking the lamppost that every hobo in the city has peed on.
Note to self: don’t date men with dogs unless you plan on making out with a melting pot of New York City’s finest bodily fluids.
Chapter Sixteen
The Man-Milk Shuffle
“Delaney, I can’t believe you’re engaged,” I said as I eyed the rock on Delaney’s finger. Derk really went all out when it came to her ring.
“I know. I gave Derk the best blow job of my life last night as a thank you.”
“That was him squealing?”
“Yes.” She smiled as I cringed.
I heard some hideous sound come from their bedroom and I assumed it was Delaney, even though it seemed a little deep for her . . . I wasn’t sure I could look at the man the same way.
Even though I was slightly disturbed, I was still a little curious. “What did you do that had him making such awful noises?”
“Don’t judge the noises”—Delaney waved her finger at me—“until you know what it’s like to lose all sense of what’s around you in the throws of passion.”
“Fair enough.”
She was right. I really had no room to judge, especially since I didn’t have any experience. The one time I was close to reaching that big O moment was with Phillip, the man who felt my fart caress his chin—poor Phillip. I’d made noises only a feral cat would make while searching for their mate in heat.
“So what were you doing?” I asked as my face heated from thinking about that afternoon with Phillip. God, what a disaster.
Leaning in, Delaney propped her chin on her hand and said, “So Derk has this thing with his balls. He loves them to be touched, sucked, licked, what have you, but his balls are huge.”
“Ugh, gross, Delaney,” I said while pulling away.
“What? They’re big, Rosie. You have to know this, not all dicks and balls are the same. Some are uneven, some are crooked, some are small but wide, some are thin and long. They’re all special in their own way. Derk just so happened to be born with balls of a fucking Greek god, that’s if Greek god’s had massive balls. Have you seen balls before?”
“Yes,” I said defensively.
“Okay, well picture those balls in your head.”
The only real-life balls I’d seen were Alejandro’s and we know they were covered by his man garden, so I tried to picture what they were underneath all the weeds.
“Okay.” I faked that, because all I could envision was his pubic hairs . . . everywhere.
“Well triple the size of those balls, no, quadruple.”
“Umm . . . okay,” I said, still not seeing it. Delaney noticed, so she huffed and looked around our kitchen.
“Oh I know.” She went to the fridge and started rummaging around until she pulled out a grapefruit and then grabbed a banana off the counter. She put them together and held them in front of me.
“This, Rosie, this is what I’m talking about. His balls are like this grapefruit, just enormous.”
Studying the grapefruit, I shook my head. There was no way Derk had balls that big. Where the hell did he put them?
“I know what you’re thinking, he wears briefs, straight up. He tried boxers once, and I had never seen such bad chafing in my entire life. Briefs are like a protective sling for his balls, keeping them high and tight to his body so he’s able to walk around without it being noticeable. The first time I saw his balls, I’m pretty sure I blacked out for a second. When he took his pants off in front of me, I watched as his balls dropped heavily from his briefs and dangled between his legs like a damn kettlebell. It was the sexiest most intriguing thing I’d ever seen. There’s something to say about a man with a giant set of nuts.”
“Is that right? What’s that?”
