Page 139 of The Virgin Romance Novelist Chronicles
I slapped Henry on the stomach without even thinking.
“Do you have a problem with Long Island?” Delaney asked, her eyes looking a little wild. “Your girlfriend is from Long Island, you can find the best bagels in the world on Long Island, and you know what, Henry? It’s where the Long Island Median resides, and that’s cool shit. Plus, it’s cheaper to have a wedding there than in the city, and unless you’re planning on trading in your stylish penny loafers for a deposit on some overly processed banquet meat and an open bar, your opinion on the location can be found at the intersection of ‘I don’t give a fuck’ and ‘shut the hell up, you whore’.”
“She paints a lovely picture, doesn’t she?” Derk added.
Henry rubbed the side of his face. “I think I was just bitch-slapped by the English language.”
“I’m glad you realized that.” Delaney folded her hands together and continued. “Like I was saying before I was rudely insulted by Mr. I-Think-I-Look-Like-A-Young-Bradley-Cooper, we booked the venue and now have two months until the wedding to plan.”
“Two months?” I shouted. “How are you going to plan a wedding in two months?”
“Wedding?” Delaney laughed right before she flipped the binder open to a pop-up display of a massive pink penis. “I don’t care about the wedding. I’m concerned about the bachelorette party. Our parents are taking care of the wedding, but what I need you to plan is the party of a lifetime, full of penises, strippers, more penises, COCK-tails, and did I mention penises?” Delaney looked off into a faraway place as she spoke. “Let me paint you a picture, Rosie. This is my last and only night to experience the feel of a man’s dick flopping against my face while cheesy stripper music blasts through my ears in the background. This needs to be the most drunkenly epic night full of male genitalia, sex music, praise for my breasts, and inappropriate pelvic thrusting of strangers.”
I gulped. I was so not ready for the challenge. Who wanted an unknown dick flopping in front of their face and inappropriate thrusting?I love Henry’s appropriate thrusting . . .
“Sounds like a good time,” Henry said.
“It will be a good time. Think of the possibilities. We can wear penises on our shirts, drink from penis cups with penis straws, while eating penis cookies decorated with penis candies. We can carry around sashes that look like penises, blow penis whistles, and play pin the balls on the giant penis. We can wear penis headbands that bounce around on springs, gyrating to the beat flowing through our bodies. We can have a penis piñata full of little penis eggs that when you open them up, there is a macaroni penis inside. We can hire men to wear penis costumes who follow us around, poking from behind every so often, begging for a good stroke—”
“I get it”—I held up my hand—“you want penises at the party. Seems like you have that all covered.”
A maniacal laugh popped out of Delaney’s mouth as she shook her head. “Oh, dear and sweet Rosie. I don’t have this all covered . . . you do.” She pointed her manicured finger at me.
“Excuse me?” I asked, sweat starting to form on my upper lip.
Inspecting her nails, she sat back in her chair and laughed as she spoke. “Rosie, as my maid of honor, you are in charge of the bachelorette party. I don’t want a bridal shower, and I really don’t care what my bouquet looks like as I walk down the aisle, but I do care about the bachelorette party and the penis count that will be attending. It is your responsibility to deliver.” She pushed the binder toward me. “This is your reference book; use it. Let it be your guiding light as you sift through cheap and crappy penis memorabilia and the high-quality kind that shows every vein. I’m depending on you to make this happen for me. I need this, Rosie. I need veins.” She gripped her fist to her chest in desperation.
Again, I gulped . . . big time. A bachelorette party . . . to meet Delaney’s demands. Pretty sure losing my virginity was easier than what Delaney was demanding.
I flipped through the pages, scanning through her collection of strip clubs in the city, her suggestions for logoed tchotchkes, or shall I say . . . dick-chkes. Page after page read like a horny woman on a plastic-coated penis bender.
“You want all of this?”
“Rosie, I want an epic night.” She waved and smoothed out the air above her with her hands, trying to paint a picture for me. “A night I can look back on when I’m talking to my grandchildren and tell them: yes, grand-mammy celebrated her one last night as a single woman in total erotically charged freedom, and she allowed man bushes to grind against her leg and flaccid penises to be aroused by the mere sight of my pert breasts—because they will be on display that night, nipples barely covered. I’m counting on you to make this night the most memorable night of my entire life.”
No pressure or anything.
Henry cut in before I could say anything. “Poker, pizza, and beer for you?” he asked Derk.
“You know how we do it.” Derk nodded.
Ugh, men. They make it so easy.
“Better get planning, Rosie. You only have a few months to make my cock-filled dreams come true.”
“Lucky me.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
Fungal Cock
HENRY
“Dude, why are you walking like that?” Freddy asked me.
I stirred my coffee before turning to face him. Last night Rosie was a beast; it was the first time I’d been genuinely concerned that she might bite my penis off. After Delaney and Derk left the apartment, Rosie paced the apartment in a fit of panic, wondering how she was going to plan Delaney’s dream bachelorette party when she knew nothing about party planning, let alone male strippers, or penis party games. Her nerves turned into animalistic instincts, and before I could react, she had me pinned to the floor—pantless—and began attacking my dick like there was a hidden treasure under the layers of tubed skin.
It wasn’t until I felt the piercing of my thigh that I cried, “Uncle,” and begged her to stop. You would think, since her nail dug deeply into my inner thigh, that I would be the one coddled—considering the too-close-to-my-dick part—but that wasn’t the case. I spent the rest of the night coddling her as she cried uncontrollably in my arms.
