Page 109 of Stroked Hard
And here I thought my mom was done with relationships, but Mehi has apparently wined and dined my mom for the past few weeks and now they’re seeing each other officially. I should be happy my mom found someone. I should be overjoyed that she doesn’t have to always be alone, so why do I feel like crying?
“I did.” She pauses, I can tell she’s treading lightly. “I would love for you to meet him.”
I knew that was coming the minute my mom started gushing about him. It’s the second time she’s asked me to meet him. The first time was to have dinner the other night. I blamed Bellini.
“Yeah, I leave for Rio in a few days, maybe when I get back.” Avoidance, it’s what I do best.
My mom sighs. “Honey, he’s a good man.”
“I’m glad to hear it.” My throat is tightening up, and my eyes are starting to burn. Why do I want to cry? I’m so confused.
Why can’t I find it within myself to be happy for her? Why can’t I find the happiness within myself for having an amazing man like Hollis by my side? Why do I ensure I sabotage the positive relationships I have with people?
Well, isn’t it obvious? I would rather hurt them before they hurt me. Real mature, Mel.
At least my heart is protected.
My phone beeps with a text. I quickly glance at it. It’s a picture of Hollis kissing my cheek; he took it before we left.
Hollis: I miss your face so fucking bad.
Another text that will go unanswered because I’m a shitty person who’s scared out of her mind and way in over her head.
And it consists of you and me, living in a house on the beach happily ever fucking after.
Tears prickle at my eyes. I wish he was here. I wish he was able to hold me, to tell me everything is okay. I don’t want to break down in front of him. I don’t want to hurt him again. I hurt him the other night by showing doubt, but it’s all I feel, and I don’t know how to stop it. It’s a crushing feeling that’s weighing so damn heavily on my chest that it almost feels like I can’t breathe.
“Melony, are you still there?” my mom asks.
“Yeah, sorry. I have so much going on right now with packing and whatnot.”
“I was asking about Hollis. How is he doing?”
If I had to take a guess, probably fuming but trying to act sweet because he doesn’t want to scare me away. Yup, I can be insightfully blind.
“Good, settling in well,” I answer generically. “Hey, Mom, I have to go, Bellini is calling on the other line.” It’s a lie but I need to get off the phone, now.
“Oh, okay. Call me later, honey. I love you.”
“Love you.”
I hang up and put my head in my hands. Why does everything feel like it’s coming all together just to explode in my face?
Hollis is gone.
I’m lonely again.
My mom is dating.
She will get hurt again.
My heart is beating for a man.
I will get hurt again.
I can’t be alone and hurt again.
I’m so out of my element with Hollis. I feel out of control, unable to figure out all these feelings rushing through me and worst of it all, there’s a part of me that still believes it won’t work out, that someway, somehow, hewillleave me.
