Page 22 of Stroked Long
Could be worse, I think, watching her gently clean my arm.
***
“Curtains? What do you mean you got hurt picking out curtains? I didn’t think you liked that frilly stuff.”
Why did I bring this up? I have one task at eight thirty, to check in with Eva and make sure she’s all locked up. Instead of getting off the phone after I hear her confirmation, I start to talk about my day and how I ran into Ruby. Fuck was she happy to hear that. She has too much riding on Ruby and me making a match; it’s starting to get annoying.
“I just thought I would take a look at them.”
“Why?” she asks, her voice completely confused.
“Because.” I don’t want to tell her because Ruby mentioned them, she would never let me live it down.
“Great explanation, bro.”
“It doesn’t matter why I was looking at curtains.”
“It does matter if you almost triggered a panic attack in the middle of Target. Were you thinking about Mom and Dad?”
“No,” I answer promptly.
To be honest, I haven’t come that close to having a panic attack in public for a while. It was frightening at how close I was to full-on debilitating fear.She held me while the police came into our house, looking for answers. I could barely breathe. She had held me. Cried with me. We’d been crying. So much crying.When we first lost our parents, panic attacks were an almost everyday occurrence. I could have them anywhere, and they would bring me to my knees, having no control over my breathing or the convulsions to my body. It was humiliating, causing me to hate everything about me. It took a lot of therapy to get me to the point of no longer breaking down in panic. Many, many years of therapy.
So why the hell did the tight grasp I had on my panic slip today in Target?
One word: Ruby.
She does something to me. She terrifies me. I don’t allow anyone to see the real me. The weak me. No one has ever seen my true colors besides Eva and Lauren. No one should ever see my sick brand of fucked-up crazy. I have nothing to offer.
“Bodi, just talk to me.” Frustration rings clear in her voice, making me feel guilty that I’ve laid this burden on her. But fuck, I needed to talk to someone.
“I don’t know. I was trying something new, and I lost my shit. It was too much.” I rub my eye with the palm of my hand and lean back on my couch. “Shit, Eva. It was fucking curtains, and I couldn’t pull it together. I lost it in front of Ruby.”
“Is that what you’re really worried about? Losing it in front of Ruby?”
Yes. Desperately worried.
“No. It’s just . . .” I pause, trying to figure things out in my head. “Will my life ever be normal?”
She sighs, not out of frustration though. “I love you, Bodi, and I believe it can be normal for you, but you have to step outside your comfort zone to get there.”
“Much help that did for me today,” I scoff.
“Don’t let today deter you from trying new things. Today was a minor blip in the radar. I mean . . . what were you doing getting curtains? If you’re going to step out of your comfort zone, try doing something you’re somewhat familiar with.”
“What do you mean?”
“Instead of going to Target to get something you’ve never even considered before, something that would change the ambiance of your sanctuary, why don’t you try changing up what time you swim with your coach, or not washing your hair three times in the shower, or swimming in a different pool? Those are all things you are familiar with, but you can change without throwing yourself into the unknown. Make sense?”
Just the thought of changing any of those things makes my entire body itch.
“I don’t like the idea of changing any of those.”
“That’s what stepping out of your comfort zone is, Bodi. You’re not going to do things you like, you have to do things you normally wouldn’t do, things you don’t like to do, to experience more. If you really want to move on, you have to put yourself out there.”
“I’m not strong enough,” I answer honestly.
“This coming from the man who’s medaled in every Olympic race you’ve swum in. You’re strong, Bodi, you just don’t know it.”
