Page 128 of Stroked Long
Right here, in this entryway, this is where I tore her heart out. This is where I watched the person who meant everything to me slaughtered by my words, and for what?
Because I’m not good enough for her?
It’s true, I’m not fucking good enough.
She doesn’t want to deal with this . . . this fucking psychotic behavior. What would she do if she saw my apartment the way it is now? What would she say? She’d try to fix it, but this isn’t hers to fix. This isn’t her problem, and damn me to hell if it ever will be. She’s already seen my freak flag; she doesn’t need to help me wave it.
“Fuck, get clean,” I shout at my tile. All I see is Ruby’s anguished face in the gleam of it, the total destruction that crossed her beautiful eyes.
Those fucking gorgeous brown eyes.
Those eyes that accepted me for all of my quirks, all my idiosyncratic tendencies. But she shouldn’t have to make exceptions for my behavior. That’s what she does. She doesn’t scold me, she doesn’t treat me like a barbarian, she makes exceptions, allows me to be the person I am.
Fuck that. I don’t want to be me.
Don’t throw away us because you can’t accept who you are, because you can’t accept what we have. I was made for loving you.
She fucking loved me, how is that even possible? How could she love a monster? A monsterlike me. She doesn’t know me. She doesn’t know the real Bodi, the Bodi who has to scrub his demons away, the Bodi who has to check the locks three times before he goes to bed, the Bodi who can’t go a day without checking on his sister because he’s so terrified he will lose her too.
I was made for loving you.
Fuck me. I wish that was true, but God would never be that cruel to her. No, he’s cruel to me.
I deserve to be alone, to be left to my obsessions, my routines.
Ruby needs to flourish, and she won’t do that with me. I will only drown her. Those beautiful lips, understanding eyes, and incredibly graceful and selfless heart belong to someone else.
Fuck, just the thought of her with someone else guts me. Sitting against the entryway wall, I prop my forearms on my bent knees and lower my head as my breathing starts to pick up, another panic attack looming. I’m used to them now, they come every few hours, closer together if I start to think about Ruby.
I need her. She would make this better. She makes everything better.
But that ship sailed and rightfully so. I can’t have her hand holding me, stepping on eggshells to make sure I don’t lose my fucking mind. That’s not the kind of life she should live.
I never should have gotten involved with her.
But fuck, she was too alluring, too addicting. Her soul attached to mine and didn’t let go. Shit, she still owns it.
I pinch my brow, fighting back the tightness in my throat as the locks turn and my sister enters my condo. She stops immediately and takes in the scene. It’s the first time she’s ever seen my place like this. Shit, it’s the first time I’ve ever seen it like this.
A disaster.
Scanning the room, she startles seeing me sitting on the floor. She shuts my door, locks it, and then squats in front of me. She places her hands on my knees and dips her head so I have to look her in the eyes.
“Bodi, I’m sorry.”
It’s not what I expected her to say. In all honesty, I’m surprised it’s taken her this long to come here, and I thought she would yell at me. There is no doubt that she knows what happened between Ruby and me. What I did to her. What I said to her.
Fuck . . .
My stomach twists again, making it difficult to sit up.
“I’m so sorry I didn’t text you. I’m sorry I said such careless things to you on the phone. I know you were worried, and I should have taken that into consideration rather than making you feel bad about protecting me.”
I have nothing to say. No words come to mind. The only thought floating through my head is Ruby’s broken and distraught face.
“But . . .” I should have known she wasn’t coming here to just say sorry, “you can’t hover over me anymore, Bodi. It’s not healthy for me, and it’s sure as hell not healthy for you. I’ve been enabling you, and it’s time I stopped.”
“What?” I ask, my voice barely a whisper.
