Page 121 of Stroked Long
It seems to be quieter.Has she moved outside on her own?She exhales and says, “Bodi, I’m not going home. I want to live my life. I don’t want to hold Lauren back, deprive her of experiences because of what happened in my past. We are having fun, we are living, something I wish you’d try.”
“It’s not that easy.”
“It really is,” she answers back.
It’s so fucking not.
“Can you just go back?”
“No,” she answers firmly. “But I will text you when we are back, safe and sound.”
“When will that be?” I ask, desperate for some kind of timeframe.
“When we decide we are done. Aren’t you with Ruby?”
“Yeah.”
“Then get off the phone with me and go enjoy your girl. Celebrate. Live, Bodi. I will text you later. Love you.”
She doesn’t let me answer, but hangs up and leaves me feeling ill.
I stare at my phone, feeling lost.
Stop being my dad.
I just want my sister to be safe.
I don’t want to hold Lauren back, deprive her of experiences because of what happened in my past.
Is that what I am doing for Lauren? For Eva? I just want them safe. I need them to be safe.
Am I doing that with Ruby?
Holding her back?
What am I doing? I’m standing in the other room of our shared hotel, talking to my sister rather than wrapped around my girl.But I needed to call Eva.
AmI letting my routines, my tendencies already affect her.
Fuck.
I pull on my hair, unsure of what to do. I’m so fucking nauseous from Eva’s refusal to lock up for the night that I’m afraid I won’t be able to be the man Ruby deserves now. But if I don’t go back in there, she will wonder where I’ve gone.
Deciding to run through a quick check of the hotel to calm my nerves, I lock and relock the chain three times on the hotel door, I check the windows three times, making sure they are set even though we are in a high-rise hotel, it eases some of the tension in my body.
Eva said she would text me when they get back to their hotel. Eva will tell me she’s safe. This is okay. I can do this.
Slightly calmer, I go to the bedroom and see Ruby curled up on the bed, under the covers, her back to the door, the light turned out. I wasn’t gone for that long, was I?
I was only on the phone with Eva for a short bit of time and then I checked the locks . . . three times. I wince, loathing myself for how long I took fulfilling my need for order in my life.
Because I’m fucking obsessed with all the wrong things, Ruby had to go to bed by herself.
Fuck.
FUCK!
My hand goes to my hair and starts yanking on it some more. I’m surprised I’m not fucking bald by now. What do I do now? Is she mad at me? Do I go to her, wrap my arms around her warm, soft body and act like nothing happened? Do I go sleep on the couch? What would she think of that?
