Page 96 of Stroked Long
A warm hand touches my forearm and her teasing eyes turn warm. “Bodi, this is huge. I want you to talk to me. I want to know how you’re feeling. All joking aside, this is a huge step for you, and I want to make sure you’re coping well with it. I know a girlfriend hasn’t ever fit into your routine before, so how are you dealing with that?”
Knowing I have a least half an hour before I need to be in the pool, I sit on the curb of the sidewalk and Eva joins me. I planned on getting some Pilates worked in before practice starts but it looks like I will have to switch them to after practice. Surprisingly, I’m okay with that.Although I don’t understand why.
I run my hand over my face and stare at the gravel in front of me. “All right. It’s still new. I’m still trying to see how she fits into my routine. So far she’s been very accepting of what I have to do.”
“Have you talked to Dr. Auburn about Ruby and this new development?”
I know why Eva is questioning me right now. She’s seen what happens when my neat and orderly world comes crashing down because of a new development. She knows how much it can debilitate me. Fuck, I even know how much of a risk it is to be attempting a relationship with Ruby during a stressful time in my life with the games looming, but hell if I can stop myself from seeing her, from kissing her, from getting lost in her scent.
“Not yet. He knows about her, but I haven’t seen him since Ruby and I, uh, got together.” I wince. Shit it’s awkward talking about my intimate life with Eva.
“Bodi!” Eva playfully swats me. Whispering, she leans forward and asks, “You had sex with her?”
I give her acome onlook. “Kind of hard not to. She’s fucking perfect, Eva.”
“I beg to differ.” Eva sits up. “Lauren is perfect.”
Rolling my eyes, I fiddle with my bag and say, “I’m nervous I’m going to scare her away.”
“Have you told her anything about your past, about your tendencies?”
“No.” I shake my head.
How could I even broach that subject?Oh hey, Ruby, before we eat dinner, I just wanted to tell you that the reason you will never meet my parents is because I killed them. Enjoy.
She would leave me. She’s understanding, the most understanding person I’ve ever met, but there is no way someone can take in that kind of information and not look at the person differently. It’s impossible. She would lose that gleam in her eye, that beautiful smile made just for me. She would take away her warmth, the strength she instills in me.
“Are you going to?”
Running my hand over my mouth, I shake my head. “I don’t think I can.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t want her to think of me as a murderer.”The words are out of my mouth before I know it. But it’s the truth. I don’t want her to leave me.
“Bodi,” Eva chastises, “do not fucking call yourself that.” Her stern voice breaks through to me. It’s the same kind of voice my mom would use when I was in trouble. Sometimes, if I close my eyes and listen to Eva, I can hear my mom in her. Fucking rips me apart. “You have to tell her. Do you really think she’s not going to notice your tendencies? Your obsessions?”
“I haven’t thought that far, okay?” I press my fingers into my brow, entirely overwhelmed by this conversation. “I can’t think about that right now. I have to train. I have a few days left before training camp. I don’t want to dwell on the demise of my relationship.”
“But it doesn’t have to be the demise,” she counters.
“Come on, Eva.” I look her in the eyes. “Ruby will flee the moment she hears of my past.”
“Give her more credit than that, Bodi. You’re not being fair. Think about how she’s reacted to what she has seen so far. You said yourself she has calmed you when you’ve felt close to a panic attack. Maybe being with her might help heal the guilt you carry.”
This conversation is over. Standing up, I sling my bag over my shoulder and look at my sister, the one person who has been by my side from the moment we were gripping each other for dear life in the tub of our childhood bathroom. “Nothing is going to heal the guilt, remorse, and pain I live with every day, Eva. It’s about time you accept that.”
I know I fucking have.
Chapter Eighteen
RUBY
Bodi: Have some things to do. I will catch you later.
I can’t stop staring at the text message Bodi sent me hours ago. With each read, I grow one extra knot in my stomach.
Last I saw him, he was kissing me, telling me to be patient, and that’s what I’m trying to do, but right now I’m a little nervous. His text seems like it came from the old Bodi, the awkward, silent Bodi who would rather be alone than spend time with me.
