Page 54 of Stroked Long
I don’t make eye contact. I don’t even say hi to Eva who stopped mid-sentence when she saw me walk out of the bedroom. The condo is silent, as neither Bodi or Eva make a sound. All I feel is their eyes watching me. In the half-bath off the entryway, I retrieve my clothes, which are still damp, and my rain jacket. In the entryway, my purse and foundation papers are perfectly placed on a side table, typical Bodi. I pick them up, take a deep breath, and without turning around say, “I will be sure to return the clothes during our next meeting.”
“Ruby,” Eva calls out, but I ignore her because for some reason, there is a big ball in my throat.
I can’t stay any longer without making a scene so I let myself out, not caring about triggering his alarm system. The faster I can get away, the better.
“Ruby,” Bodi calls from his doorway, still shirtless. “Wait.”
I don’t turn to look at him, I can’t. He will see my eyes watering, and I don’t want him to see what a pathetic mess I am right now. I need to stay strong. I need to be the coworker he sees me as.
“I will call you about our next meeting,” I say just as the doors ding and open.
“Ruby,” he calls one last time but I’m instantly pressing the close door button, willing it to shut before he can stop the doors from closing.
Lucky for me, he doesn’t catch up.
Leaning my head against the elevator wall, I look up at the ceiling as tears fall down my cheeks. I had finally felt I was connecting with someone how I wanted to. I know he doesn’t adapt easily to new people in his life, but I had felt so much closer to him last night. Not only does he not see me that way, but he was very insistent he wouldneversee me that way. Was that me or was that him? Right now, I think it is all me. He’d been horrified when he’d looked down and seen me in his bed. What was such a wonderful night has turned into one hell of a crappy morning.Not sure how to come back from this one.
Chapter Ten
BODI
Fuck.
FUCK!
A slow clap starts up behind me as I lock up my apartment door. “Well done, asshole. I’m really impressed. Not only did you insult her, you most likely jabbed her in the heart with your perfectly sharpened knife. And then, you didn’t even chase after her.”
“Shut the fuck up, Eva,” I snap, unsure what to do.
This is all new to me. Every last second of it. I’ve been intimate with women. I’ve had sex but it’s always been physical, just something to do. I’ve never once been emotionally intimate with someone until Ruby came along.
Last night, fuck, it was so unexpected. I was very apprehensive at first, not sure if I would be able to handle having her in my condo while I went through my nighttime routine, but instead of her following me around, watching me double-check everything, she tended to herself in the bathroom, giving me just enough time to get my anxiety on an even keel so I could act normal around her.
As if normal is easy for me around her. There is no normal, really. I’m a ball of nerves whenever she’s in the room, always wondering if I’m going to show my true self, the battered man that I am. I’m calculating every one of my moves, preparing myself for the worst, making sure I’m always on guard, never once letting one of my idiosyncrasies slip. It’s tiring and last night, being with her for so long, I was just waiting for that moment when I let down my guard, where I slip up and freak the fuck out over something so minute and small that any other person would think I was losing my goddamn mind.
But it never happened. I never lost control. It was quite the opposite. I was able to relax and enjoy myself. I felt free, liberated, as if I’m not hiding this dark secret, this all-consuming hatred for myself and every obsessive-compulsive trait I possess.
This morning, waking up to her in my arms—which astounded me as I have no recollection of moving closer to her during the night—fuck it was priceless, a feeling I would never be able to get again. Her body was warm, welcoming, trusting,addicting.From the press of her ass against my stomach to the sweet smell of her hair, she doesn’t make me feel afraid. She puts me at ease, makes my heart even its erratic behavior.
I’m a total fuck-up.
Gripping my hair, I sit on the couch and rest my elbows on my knees, facing total defeat.
The couch dips next to me. “What’s going on, Bodi?”
Twisting my head just enough so I can see my sister—whose timing was epically bad—I say, “You should have called.”
She sighs. “Bodi, you know I don’t call all the time. You can’t rely on a phone call all the time. You have to know the people who are entering your condo are the people you trust. And I love you, Bodi, but you can’t blame this on me. This isn’t the first time I’ve brought you muffins in the morning.”
“I know.” Fuck I’m so aggravated and at a loss right now. “I just, fuck, I just got caught off guard with everything.”
“Want to start from the beginning?”
“Not really.”
“Can I ask you something and you not get all brotherly mad and irritated at me?” I know what her question is going to be so I nod. “Do you like her, Bodi?”
I don’t even have to think about it, and there is no way I can hide it anymore. She’s flipped my entire process, my tightly controlled world, upside down. “I do.”
