Page 129 of Stroked Long
“Look at me.” She lifts my head so I meet the eyes that match mine, the same that match our father. “You’re a protector. You protect me now, and you protected me when we were in that tub, scared out of our minds. Even though you’re younger you’ve always been my shield from the world around us. When Lauren came along, you added her to your list, making sure she’s always taken care of, always safe. I can’t tell you how important that is to me, that you care about her that much. And then your life shifted even more with Ruby.”
“Don’t.” I shake my head. “I don’t want to talk about her.”
“I don’t care if you don’t want to talk about her, you’re going to listen to me. You decided to protect her too, but in all the wrong ways.”
“How the fuck do you figure?”What the fucking hell does she mean? In the wrong ways?
“Because, instead of protecting her from the outside world, you protected her from you.”
I go to argue but stop as I realize Eva might be right.
“You might have thought you handed your heart over to her, that you were being the best boyfriend you could be, but you weren’t. Being in a relationship is about give and take, about sharing your demons with someone else so you don’t have to carry that burden on your own. Just the way Mom used to listen to Dad’s work troubles every night, never offering suggestions, just listening, taking on a bag of his troubles so he wasn’t walking heavy that night. That’s what Lauren does for me; she lessens my burdens. That’s what you should have done with Ruby, but instead, you kept piling them up on your back until it broke.”
I shake my head, not wanting to believe what she’s saying.
“You hid your routines and theneedfor them from her. Your tendencies, you never showed them to her. Your insecurities, you never voiced them. Your past, you ate up the truth, never exposing it. You piled everything on your shoulders, protecting her from the true Bodi only to have it all come crashing down on you.”
“She doesn’t need to know that shit,” I say roughly.
“Let me ask you this. Do you love her?”
I shake my head, not making eye contact with her.
“Look at me and answer me. Do you love her?”
Of course I fucking love her. Shit, I think I started to fall for her the minute she threw her jazz hands in my direction at the club. Her will to swim across the pool for a doughnut added to that love. Her crazy, unpredictable texts beguiled me. Her vitality and giddy joyfulness provided light into my darkness, wrapping my heart in its warmth. Her ability to soothe me all but pushed me over the edge.
She’s everything to me. Breathing made sense with Ruby in my life.
“I do,” I answer.
“Then why are you pushing her away? I just came from her apartment, Bodi. She’s utterly devastated.”
Fuck, I think I’m going to throw up. I hate that I’m hurting her, but in order to help her live her life, I had to. I had no option.
All the things I said to her as she crumbled before my eyes were lies.
Out of everybody . . .sheknows what love is. She shows it every day through the smallest of gestures, like loving a Double Stuf Oreo. And even more,sharinga Double Stuf Oreo.
“I can’t drag her down, Eva. I can’t make her live this fucked-up life with me. She deserves more.”
“She deserves you,” Eva says with conviction. “It’s about time you realize that.” Standing up, she tucks her hair behind her ears and looks down at me. “I’m not going to baby you anymore, Bodi. I’m done. It’s time you move on. It’s time we both move on. Starting now, no more calls at eight thirty, no more security text messages. Trust that I’m acting safely. As for you, take your sessions with Dr. Auburn seriously and try to heal your heart, stop ripping it open. An incredible woman loves you and wants to be a part of your life, the crazy fucked-up one you didn’t dare mention to her. Newsflash: she knows and she still wants you. It’s time, Bodi. Do our parents justice and make them proud.”
Do our parents justice?I’ve tried to do that with my swimming.Make them proud . . . But I killed them. It was my fault.Tears stream down my face. I don’t like this pain. It hurts.How can I make them proud? How can not checking on my sister make them proud?I failed them. I’ve tried not to fail her.Do our parents justice.A sob breaks free and Eva brings my head to her stomach. Cradles me to her and rocks me.Like Mom used to.
“I miss them, Eva. It hurts.”
“Yes, Bodi. It does hurt. And it’s okay to cry. It’s okay to feel.It’s okay to feel.”
I haven’tfelt.Until Ruby. So many years of shutting feelings down and locking them away.It hurts.
After allowing me to sob—to hurt—for a few minutes, she squats down once more, grips my forearm, and says, “If you can be one of the best swimmers on this planet, then you can overcome these demons. I believe in you, and it’s time you believe in yourself. I love you, Bodi.” She takes a breath and then continues. “The gala is in a week. I won’t cover for you. You will be there, and you will put on your best face. Don’t let me down.”
She kisses the top of my head and pulls five boxes out of her purse. My medals. She sets them on the entryway table and leaves, locking the doors from the outside.
Her words race through my head. No more phone calls? No more checking in? My skin already starts to itch from the thought, and then I think about what she said last.
The gala.
