Page 81 of Fundamentals of Being a Good Girl
“Don’t you dare talk shit about my friend like that or else—or else, I’m going to compliment you until your ears bleed.”
A little burp slips out and I don’t even try to cover my mouth. “Iama mess, though.”
“Because you’re totally doing Dr. Bram Loe, Mount Astra’s third most eligible bachelor?” Junie asks.
“What the hell, Junie?” I sit up way, way too fast. “How did you know?”
“Well, you smile a lot in the mornings. You moved in with him.” She leans over and whispers in my ear, “And sometimes you smell like... sex.”
My eyes turn into saucers as I lean back and attempt to swat at her, but instead I swing at the air and lose my balance, somehow landing flat on my back.
Around me, people continue to walk, like this is totally normal and I guess at Halloween in the middle of the Snake Pit, it totally is.
I can’t see many stars, but the lights and the flashes of shoes and bright, sparkly costumes feel a little bit like magic.
“Oh my fucking hell,” Junie says in a voice that is suddenly very sober. “Maddie, we gotta go. Right now.”
I moan and curl onto my side. “But I’m so comfy.”
“Shoot, shoot, shit, shoot,” she mutters. “Okay, I’ll berightback, Maddie. Don’t go anywhere, promise?”
“Oh, sure,” I say. “Why not?”
“I’m going to be just around the corner of the building, keeping an eye on you.” She groans, but it almost sounds like a shriek. “What the hell is he even doing here?”
I can’t tell if the confusion is because I am genuinely confused or if I’m just that intoxicated. Who cares? My eyes slip closed and why have I never slept on the pavement before? It’s so cozy!
I hear myself make those delightful little moans you make sometimes when you’re so sleepy that the feeling of finally giving in to slumber is too good to resist.
“Madelyn,” a smooth aristocratic voice croons. “Made-lyn, wake up, little bird.”
When I open my eyes, a man with blond hair and an impeccable tuxedo is grinning down at me.
The man taps my nose three times. “Does Bram know that his little pet is drunkenly sleeping on the sidewalk in a garment that is more closely related to a belt than a skirt?”
“Mmmmm.” All I can do is groan as he scoops an arm under my shoulders to sit me up. “Hey, I know you. You’re Mount Astra’s number one most eligible bachelor.”
“I am indeed.” Leo Saint James taps my nose again, which I find very annoying even though he seems to think he’s sooooooooooo funny. “Six years and running. I have a title to maintain, you know, despite not actually living here. A mere technicality.”
He sounds very snooty and I don’t think I like his tone. “Well,” I tell him, “I bet you’re not fucking Mount Astra’s third most eligible bachelor and letting him eat you for breakfast every morning because breakfast is the most important meal of the day.”
Leo breaks out into a wide, brilliant, sparkling smile. “Oh. This is good. This is very good. Excuse me for a moment.”
He takes out his phone and begins to type.
“What do you want?” I ask. I am losing my patience here. “I have dreams to sleep and snores to snore.”
He pockets his phone, seeming all too delighted with himself. “Up we go.”
“You look like someone made you in a factory for good-looking people.”
“Thank you,” he says, like it’s a compliment he hears every day. He glances over his shoulder. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but was that person who was just sitting beside you a moment ago dressed as Mothman?”
“Slutty Mothman,” I correct him. “SluttylibrarianMothman. Because Junie is a librarian, and if you’re a librarian in real life, you’re still one on Halloween.”
He squints a little and then nods. “Yes, of course. Junie is slutty librarian Mothman. I think, if you’ll excuse me—” And he straightens up, his eyes scanning the crowd like he’s going to Richard Gere–style hunt down Mothman right this minute. Which is when I fall back over onto the sidewalk.
And then start giggling uncontrollably.
