Page 136 of The Summer Job

‘Oh no – I mean, it’s your job,’ I say. ‘As the sommelier.’

‘Nonsense. I’ll help, but you should do the hosting. It’s your thing.’

‘Sure I can do it,’ I say, blushing, ‘but it’s not, like, totally my thing.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I mean it’s not the one thing that makes me jazzed to get up in the morning. Not like you, James – and you, Heather. I still don’t have thatthing. Thecalling.’

‘You can still find it,’ says James.

‘Maybe. But maybe I’m just happy being happy for a bit. Then we’ll see what’s next.’

‘That makes sense,’ says Heather.

‘Maybe I don’t even need a calling,’ I say. ‘Maybe I just need to be me for a while.’

‘Well, that would make a change,’ says Heather, and then everyone laughs and I blush. Heather reaches across the table and touches my hand, giving it a little squeeze. The tease is meant kindly. It’s a kind ribbing – something Heather probably needs to do for a while. And I’ll take it for as long as I have to.

And then they’re off again and on to the next subject: the return of sherry. Artisan gins. Has Irene eaten at Arthur’s in Glasgow? What about a trip to Provence in the autumn?

James pulls me in close and drops a small kiss on my shoulder. I still feel shy accepting his affection, especially in front of Heather.

I watch my best friend’s face light up every time Irene speaks: like she’s fallen in love. Heather has found the love she has spent her adult life looking for. The great, lonely hole that she had inside her when her father died. The pain I didn’t understand, and which she tried not to burden me with. We wanted so much to be enough for each other, but it was too much of a burden for each of us to carry.

And I think about myself. The aimless wanderer. The directionless woman who didn’t know what she was missing until she found it. Family. Community. Love. Did I need any more? Or was it okay to just be?

Just beme?

I think, for a while, it’s exactly what I need. For now, being Birdy will be my calling.

And then we’ll see.