Page 98 of Girth (Marked Skulls MC 1)
How the life slowly drained from his eyes.
“I get it. Don’t worry,” he said.
“I’m sorry, Hawk,” I said, whispering.
“I take it you went to live with your mother,” he said.
“In Utah, yeah.”
“You said she’s dead. I’m sorry,” he said.
“It happens. Cancer. Took her as quickly as it popped up.”
“Were you happy?” he asked.
“What?”
“With her. Were you happy?”
“I was content. I was angry. I was lost and hurt. I blamed that type of lifestyle for taking my father, and when I found out I was pregnant I wanted my child to have more than that,” I said.
“So you kept her from her father.” A knot formed in my chest. As much as I didn’t want to agree with Hawk, he was right. I had kept Emery from him.
“It wasn’t like that, Hawk. I didn’t think it was-”
“Don’t worry. I get it,” he said with his words slightly clipped.
He always said that when he didn’t get it. It was his way of dodging hard things he didn’t want to talk about at the time. I wanted to try and explain it to him. To tell him that I did try to get back to him. I was pulled between my mother trying to keep us safe and my duty to him. We’d grown up together. Trusted one another. We were stuck at each other’s sides, even when we didn’t want to be. I wanted to tell him that I was never really settled with the decision that I made.
I wanted to get on my knees and beg for his forgiveness.
“Why are you runnin’?” he asked.
“I guess when I first ran, I was trying to get away from the motorcycle life. Went to live with my mom. Tried a normal life. You know, like I used to always imagine growing up.”
“Did you like it?” he asked.
“I guess not. I fell in line with the Iron Souls,” I said. As hard as I tried to stay away from a club, it was all I ever really knew. The more I was away from The Road Rebels, the more I missed the club.
“They’re a good club,” he said.
“Not as good as you’d think.”
“They were friends with your father,” he said.
“Apparently many people were,” I spat.
“Did they take care of you? While you were pregnant?” he asked.
“They did. I didn’t ride with them or anything, but I guess I missed that familial bond. They all had stories of my father I’d never heard of before. They’d apparently been watching over my mom ever since she moved from Nevada to Utah to get away from The Road Rebels.”
“Did you piss ‘em off or somethin’?” he asked.
“No, they pissed off the DEA,” I said.
I knew I had Hawk’s attention when he turned his body fully towards me. His eyes raked up and down my form as I crossed my hands over my chest. Emery was giggling at a butterfly she was chasing after, and for a moment I simply lost myself in her beautiful innocence. From the moment she was born, she had these massive eyes that conveyed an innocence I don’t think I ever had.
I guess, in a way, I wanted to preserve that in her.
“I’m so sorry, Hawk,” I said breathlessly.
“Why did you keep her from me?” he asked.
“I didn’t intentionally keep her from you. I just-”
“Just what? Wanted her to grow up without both parents like you did?”
“No. No, fuck. That’s not it at all,” I said.
“Then why did you do it?”
“I just wanted to preserve her innocence,” I said as I let out a sigh.
“Lot of good that did you since you’re on the run,” he said. I could tell he was angry but trying his best not to lash out at me.
“Hey. I’m trying the best I fucking can.”
“And you could’ve tried harder and been better with me by your side,” he said.
“Oh, is that so?” I asked.
“It’s a tried and true fucking fact, Sydney. We were always better together. Stronger. Smarter. You know I would’ve taken care of you. Done anything in my power to have gotten you what you needed. I would’ve taken you to doctor’s appointments and stayed up while you got sick as sin. I would’ve been there and held your hand through the birth of our daughter, but instead you chose to leave me out of any of it.”
“Hawk that’s not-”
“And I didn’t even get a say so!” he exclaimed.
“I’m sorry, okay!? I’m sorry. I-... she came out so innocent and I wanted to preserve that. To raise her better than I had been. But I missed it. Mom never really felt like… Mom. We’d spent so much time writing but not enough time bonding and I felt like she was just a… a roommate. She didn’t understand how I was raised, so during the times, she wanted to have alone time with Emery I went and hung out with the Iron Souls. I-I-I… was pulled between-”
“Two different lives, I know. I’ve heard the lament many times,” he said.
“Well it’s fucking true, whether you mock it or not,” I said.
“So, you’re here because you need a place to stay. Right? Not because you wanted Emery to be with her father?”
“Why the fuck can’t it be both, Hawk?” I asked.
That question silenced him, and I drew a deep breath. Luckily, Emery was still running around with the butterfly, so I don’t think she heard the commotion we had created. My heart hurt, and my stomach rolled. My blood was boiling, and my heart was thumping against my chest.
“I was petrified, Hawk,” I whispered.
“What?” he asked.
“I-... I watched my father bleed out in… in my arms. I saw bullets whizzing by your head. I-I-I… listened to my father gurgle out his last breath. It didn’t matter the strength I had or… or the fact that I knew how to fight. I couldn’t… couldn’t protect him. Or-... or help him. In any way. He just…”
Tears streamed down my face as I turned my gaze slowly towards the horizon. I lost myself in my memories as my arms slowly fell to my sides. I was short of breath and felt my knees quivering. Flashes of that day slowly came to the forefront of my mind as I took a step closer to the window.
I needed something cool against my brow.
“You’re all right, Sydney,” Hawk said. “You’re safe here.”
“The DEA is tracking everyone down,” I choked out. “And with Mom dead, I didn’t know where else to go. I wasn’t going to bring Emery to the Iron Souls. I didn’t want to risk her being taken away. I don’t care if you throw me out, but Emery’s gotta be safe, Hawk. She’s gotta be safe.”
I closed my eyes as I pressed myself into the cold glass. My palms flattened out against the window as my chest pressed into it. I could feel my breathing coming in ragged pants as I felt something cool fall against the back of my neck, and that’s when I felt it.
Hawk’s hand hit the small of my back before his fingertips began to dig in.
“All I ever wanted for her was to be safe,” I said, whispering.
“You guys can stay in the guesthouse. Long as you need. It’s usually rented out and shit, but it’s been vacant for a couple months. You guys got anything else other than those bags?” he asked.
“No,” I said. “Nothing but those bags.”
“I can get ‘em to the house. Just… stay here and try to calm down, all right?” he asked.
I saw Emery fall on her butt and I waited for the shriek that was coming. Emery hadn’t had a nap all day, and I needed to lay her down. I watched her face crinkle up as Hawk ripped the back door open, and he went running for her and scooped her up into his arms.
But all she did was push him away and cry for me, and I could see the part of his heart she already held breaking into two.
“Come here, sweetheart,” I said. “You ready for a nap?”
“No. I want Mommy,” she said.
“Come on, we need to go lay you down,” I said.
“No. No nap,” she said as she curled into me.
“The guesthouse is unlocked,”
Hawk murmured. “I’ll go get your bags.”
“Why don’t we go lay down on the couch, huh?” I asked.
