Page 44 of Killian (The Doherty Mafia)
“I should go and clean up in the kitchen,” I said, walking away quickly.
I just hoped he wouldn’t put me back in the basement again.
Twenty-Three
Killian
I didn’t tell her any of the things I actually wanted to say.
What she overheard—she got all wrong.
How could she ever think I would turn her in? I knew, better than anybody, there would be consequences and major punishment if she went back now.
Either to Aldo or to Connor.
I knew I had to keep her safe. We had already come so far together. I wasn’t about to let her go back to the life she had run away from. She deserved better than that and I was willing to protect her with my life if I had to.
I just hoped she meant it when she said she trusted me.
I could hear her cleaning up in the kitchen while I sat in the living room, finishing my beer.
I tried to formulate the words.
I lied when I told her I couldn’t have a future with her.
Anything was fucking possible, right?
I could make it happen. We could run away together. Hide out for the rest of our lives if we had to.
What I felt for her was all new to me. I didn’t know what to do about what I was feeling.
The only other person I had ever felt true love for in my life—was my mother. I hadn’t been able to protect her. I couldn’t keep her safe.
So maybe I just had one choice. To either love someone, or keep them safe. I already knew what I wanted to do for Reese. I had to keep her alive. Even if that meant making sure she was never going to come close to me again.
I knew she was hurting.
As much as she tried to be strong and hide what she was actually feeling, I knew I hurt her by what I said.
I hated how I felt.
How I felt about her. How out of control I was. How weak she made me. How I didn’t want her to hurt. How I hated myself for hurting her.
I wasn’t supposed to feel any of those things.
She was supposed to be nothing more than a bit of fun. Something I pitied, because Connor was an asshole.
Instead, this whole thing had snowballed and I could feel it slowly starting to take over my life.
I needed to be back in control.
“Ah!” I heard her squeal.
Within seconds, I ran into the kitchen to find her shaking her hand vigorously.
“I touched the boiling kettle like an idiot!” she remarked.
I rushed over to her and tugged at her hand to examine if she’d actually hurt herself.
The tip of her forefinger looked a little red, but other than that, she was fine.
I couldn’t let her hand go. I needed to keep touching her.
Reese looked up at me with her big hazel eyes and I knew what she was thinking.
She pulled her hand away with force.
“It’s fine, I can take care of myself,” she said.
* * *
“Is there something you want to say to me?” I asked her.
Reese breathed in deeply, looking away.
There were tears in her eyes again. Fuck. I didn’t want to see her cry. I knew I’d end up promising her the whole world if she started crying right now.
“It actually feels like maybe there are things you want to say to me,” she replied.
Reese looked into my eyes like she was peering into my soul. It made me uncomfortable because I felt like she could see right through me. Maybe she knew what I thought. How I felt.
I wasn’t going to say it. She wasn’t going to hear it from me.
This, along with so many other reasons, was why we needed to stay away from each other.
I couldn’t give her what she wanted.
After a few moments of complete silence, she turned from me and walked out of the kitchen. I followed her.
“Isn’t it enough that I’m going to keep you safe?” I barked.
She stopped in the hallway, spinning to me again.
“No, Killian. It isn’t enough because I know you’re lying to yourself. You’re lying to me.”
I stepped towards her, glaring at her. I watched as she gulped a lump down her throat.
“And what exactly do you think I’m lying to you about?” I growled.
She didn’t look away. She was brave now. She knew I wanted her.
“About everything. You’re telling yourself you don’t care about me.”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
I dared her to say the actual words. I knew she wouldn’t be able to say them.
“It means that you’re willing to give me up just because you won’t allow yourself to be weak. Not even for me.”
“I’m not giving you up. I’m going to keep you safe.”
“But we can’t be together.”
I closed the gap between us.
“I can take you whenever I want. So I get what I want, when I want it. What makes you think I would prefer it any other way?”
