Page 163 of The Promise Of Rain

And so was I.

I turned to the stack of letters, ten of them, one for every year we were apart.Slipping off the elastic, I slid my thumb under the flap of the first envelope.

It was time to put the past to rest.

Dear Deacon,

I need to tell you what happened.

I didn’t cheat on you; I’d never cheat on you.

Page after page, I poured out my anguish and my need for him.My throat closed as the old heartache came rushing back.

God!There was no way, even now, I could bear to relive it.

I flipped to the last page.

I wish you were here.

I’d missed him; even when I thought he hated me, I missed him.

Dear Deacon,

It’s been a year, and I’m almost okay.I still miss you.And I wish the baby had made it.You would have been a wonderful father.

Do you think I would be a good mom?It scares me, but I want it.

I want it so badly.

He was my only love, the first man I trusted with my heart, and he broke it the way no one else ever could.

Dear Deacon,

I heard you were deployed again.I pray for you every morning and every night.

I bet you didn’t know I prayed.

I do.

Maybe not to the God you believe in, the One who bestows favours and blessings if only we pray the right way.

My God is wild and unpredictable, a parent unafraid of allowing His children to learn and grow from consequences.

Sometimes I almost hate Him.Why did He make this mess?Why did He make me and drop me in the middle of it?

But He gives me the strength to carry on.

And I pray He does the same for you.

I hope you’re okay.Are you happy?God, I hope you’re happy.

Was it me who pushed him to enlist?He hadn’t been sure what he wanted when we were together, and then, when it all fell apart, he enlisted.

I opened every single letter.My breath caught in my throat at the next one.

Dear Deacon,

Ansel moved into St.Michael’s today.It’s just me here now.I miss him.