Page 17 of Loathe Thy Neighbor

I jump, and my precious slice of apple pie goes flying.

And lands right in my bathwater.

“Are you serious?!” I scream, glaring at the wall that’s vibrating from the awful music thumping in the apartment next to mine.

Dean…again!

This is the same thing that happened last time I took a bath—he ruined it like he ruins everything else good in my life. I bet I’d be ten times more relaxed if I didn’t havehimas a neighbor.

I’m over it. Completely fed up.

I shove up out of the tub, water sloshing over the sides, but I don’t care.

I’m pissed.

Furious.

Abso-fucking-lutelydonewith Dean Evans.

4

Dean

“Doyou want to hear what shit your mother is trying to pull now?”

“I need a damn beer for this,” I mumble as I push my key into the slot and unlock my apartment door.

I don’t care that it’s only two in the afternoon; the tone in my little sister’s voice reeks of exasperation, and I know I’m about to hear some shit.

“Tell me when you’re ready.” I hear her take a gulp out of what I can only assume is an afternoon wine because I know my sister.

“It’s sad we’re both already drinking this early.”

“Hey! I’m at brunch. It’s okay to day-drink if you call it brunch.”

“Is two in the afternoon still brunch?”

“If it allows me to day-drink mimosas, then yes.” I picture her smirking victoriously. “Are you ready for this yet?”

“Let me get Leo back in his terrarium first.” I balance the phone between my ear and shoulder as I set him down on the countertop, popping the latches on his on-the-go hut. “We just got back from the park.”

“Aw, how is my little buddy?”

“He’s Leo—a little shithead.”

“How can aturtlebe a shithead?”

“Trust me on this, Holland.” I pick him up and settle him in his home. “He’s mischievous as hell.”

“You don’t sound eccentric at all, Dean.”

“Well, shit. I feelso muchbetter hearing that from you.”

“I amnoteccentric.”

“You do have like four cats…” I make my way to the kitchen, using my elbow to turn on the water. I use the same elbow to pump soap into my hands and wash up like I’m getting ready for surgery. Ain’t no salmonella going to get me.

“They’re foster cats, you…you…butthole!”