Page 59 of The Bad Mother's Diary

Tuesday June 2nd

Morning

Less than a week before the wedding and I’ve put on two pounds.

Fucking hell.

This week I am going to be ruthless. I will eat nothing. I will purge. I will not give in. And by my wedding day I will have lost at LEAST a stone.

Beyonce lost a stone in a week on some maple syrup diet. Imagine how much weight I’ll lose if I eat nothing at all.

I can do this. I know I can.

No food. Not a morsel will pass my lips.

Afternoon

I can’t do this. It’s ridiculous to starve myself.

I’m just going to eat sensibly and do lots of exercise. Exercise is the key.

If I run every day this week I’msureI can lose a stone.

Wednesday June 3rd

Have decided to hit the gym, pre-wedding. I know one session isn’t going to make a lot of difference, but a bit of toning won’t hurt.

Found a special-offer coupon for Fitness Factory and signed up online.

Will go tomorrow.

Thursday June 4th

Wedding just a few days away!

Made it to the gym.

Put Daisy in the crèche and she cried and cried. She was so loud the ladies coming out of the sauna thought a car alarm was going off.

But then the crèche ladies put her in a bouncy swing and she was instantly happy. So I had to go and exercise.

I spent ages walking around the gym, touching equipment and then being too scared to actually get on it.

Eventually, I worked up the courage to sit on a weight machine. I pulled at some handles. Then this Lycra bicep man said, ‘Let me show you how to do thatproperly.’

The proper way absolutely killed my arms. So I did some jogging on the treadmill and watchedGypsy Weddingson the mini telly.

Everyone wears Lycra at the gym these days. How can fashion be so cruel?

Friday June 5th

I was too hungry to sleep last night.

Ended up squirting cream on Oreo cookies at 1am, and suddenly Helen appeared like some pale big-nosed ghost.

After I’d stopped screaming, Helen explained that she’d had an ‘all-nighter’ in the city and decided to stay in our guest bedroom without telling us.

She looked at my cookies and said, ‘Children have midnight feasts, Juliette. Grown women watch their weight.’