Page 127 of Only After We Met

Dammit, Ginger, I wish I could erase that message. I was high. I’d spent the whole week drinking. I barely remember what I was doing. I’m a fool. And I’m sorry. I regret telling you that and hurting you. It didn’t even mean anything. It was empty.

I miss you, Ginger.

From: Rhys Baker

To: Ginger Davies

Subject: I’m sorry

I know it’s not an excuse, but the way you left fucked me up. When I woke up and didn’t see you, I hated you for the way you decided for both of us. But I’ve been thinking these past few weeks, and I finally understand you. I swear I do. Because I know some things hurt so much, it’s better to avoid them. Ginger, please, say something, okay? If you need time, ask for it, but please…let me know you’re alive.

From: Rhys Baker

To: Ginger Davies

Subject: I’m sorry

You know what? I started this email four times, and each time I told myself that when I sent you that message, I wasn’t myself. But then I erased it because I realized that at the moment, I was more myself than ever. I was the worst version of me, Ginger, the one that I sometimes wish you’d never met. The one that always reacts when I feel hurt by hurting someone in return because it’s the only way to heal the wound. I hate myself, too, when I feel my emotions overwhelming me and I can’t stop them. I wish I could organize them in my head like books placed alphabetically on a shelf. I never managed that, but I admit you’re one of the few reasons why I would, why I want to keep trying.

From: Rhys Baker

To: Ginger Davies

Subject: I’m sorry

Ginger, you’re killing me.

From: Ginger Davies

To: Rhys Baker

Subject: Signs of life

You’re the biggest idiot I know.

From: Rhys Baker

To: Ginger Davies

Subject: RE: Signs of life

Fine, that works. I have never been so happy to be called an idiot. How did I ever get so lucky, Ginger, managing to meet you that night?

From: Rhys Baker

To: Ginger Davies

Subject: RE: Signs of life

I guess I fucked up again, and that’s why you didn’t respond, but I meant what I said. You make me feel lucky. What can I do to make things go back to the way they were before? I can’t take this, not after all we’ve been through.

From: Ginger Davies

To: Rhys Baker

Subject: RE: RE: Signs of Life

If you hadn’t actually been completely honest with me, I think I would have gone on ignoring you a few more weeks. You did this, Rhys. You hit me where it hurt. It’s not fair, attacking me on purpose like that. Don’t ever do it again.