Page 11 of All That We Are Together

“Don’t fuck everything up again.”

My heart was racing. “I need a smoke.”

I walked out onto the porch. Oliver followed me. I lit one up and took a deep drag, trying to calm down, though I knew I was far from being able to. Those words…they destabilized me. Imagining it. Her in a gallery, standing in front of her own work…

“Why?”

I didn’t expect that question.

“Because I need to…” I struggled to reason like a normal person. “Because she was my life, Oliver, and I can’t not be there for a moment like that. Because…”I still love her. I swallowed those words. “You’re right. I won’t fuck her night up. I won’t approach her. I’ll try to keep her from seeing me.”

Oliver rubbed his face and exhaled.

“Jesus, Axel. I hate this. The situation. Everything.”

I bit my tongue to keep from telling him what I thought, because he was still a part of my life, even if things were different now, colder, tenser.

I stubbed out my cigarette. We looked at each other. I saw the doubt, the uncertainty in his eyes. And I imagine what he saw in mine was determination, because he eventually looked away, then took a cigarette out of the pack in my hands. I realized I’d won that battle, at least. What I didn’t recognize then was that this was one of the first times I ever confronted anything head-on.

12

Leah

I took a sip of the day’s second linden blossom tea, but it didn’t have much effect, I was still nervous as hell. The opening of my exhibit was still hours away, and all I could think about were the things that could go wrong: withering criticism, looks of indifference, tripping over my own feet and falling down in the middle of the gallery…

The phone beeped. It was a reassuring message from Blair. After hearing she hadn’t felt well those first few weeks of her pregnancy, I refused to let her come. Not just her, but Justin and Emily too. They’d said they could leave the twins with a neighbor and get away for a bit, but I said there was no need. I even tried to calm down Oliver after he asked his boss for another day off. She’d already let him off for my birthday. This time she didn’t give in.

I thought about my parents again… If only they were here…

I took a deep breath and went to the tiny bathroom to comb my hair. I’d gotten dressed in the afternoon, not long before putting on my makeup. I went back to the bedroom, stirred the rest of my tea, and drank it down just as someone knocked at the door.

I hugged him so hard I thought I might hurt him.

“I’m so nervous!” I raised one of my hands. “Look. I’m trembling.”

Landon laughed, grabbed my hand, and spun me around.

“Don’t be dramatic. You look gorgeous. Everything will go great.”

“You think? I feel like I’m going to puke.”

“Are you kidding, or should I hold your hair back?”

“I don’t know. My stomach’s upset.”

I grew calm as Landon talked me down, telling me stories about silly stuff his project companion did, showing up for work in his PJs or sticking a pencil up his nose because that allegedly sparked his creativity. Before I knew it, I was cracking up and it was almost time to go. I stood up slowly and looked all around for my purse. “I’ll bet I’m forgetting something important.”

“You always say that, and it’s never anything.”

“Yeah, but…” I glanced around.

“We need to go, Leah. Come on.”

I nodded, still unnerved, and I stayed that way as we took the stairs outside. The gallery wasn’t far. We walked in silence, holding hands, together. I knew he’d be by my side that night. Some friends would come later, too, and Linda Martin, my professor. That calmed me down a little.

The setting was intimate. It wasn’t one of the city’s big galleries, but it still seemed like the best place in the world to me. It had a sloping roof, a green sign, and a garnet-colored facade.

It still wasn’t open to the public, so our steps echoed loudlyover the wooden floor as we advanced into the first hall, where we heard voices.