Page 84 of I Was Born Ruined (Death by Daybreak MC 1)
Closing my eyes, I realize just how well and truly alone I am.
“You should go talk to your friends,” Beast says, and I can see him shutting down, closing that anger away in a box for later. It won't stay lost, that pain. Eventually, it'll come out. Eventually, somebody is going to get hurt.
Nodding, I head downstairs, past Nellie asleep on the couch, and outside.
Dena is pissed off now since, you know, I didn't jump at her beck and call.
She rolls down the window, frowning at the rain as it cascades around my face and crushes my dark curls against the sides of my head.
“Are you coming or not?” she asks, but the temptation is gone … until I see Reba sitting in the backseat, arms crossed over her chest. She looks at me from concerned green eyes, tiny wrinkles appearing next to her mouth as she purses her lips like an old Southern lady.
“What are you doing here?” I ask, feeling this icy wave of fear overtaking me like a tsunami. Looking at Reba, all I can see is Posey's bloody face superimposed over hers. Just being here is putting her at risk. At this point, I can't decide if my father, brother, or the Grey Wolfe Mafia are the worst threat.
“You're a prisoner here, Gidget,” Reba says, and I feel that fear inside of me start to boil into anger, just like before. I never want to go back to that person again, that empty, broken person. But honestly, I feel worse off than I did before, just after my sisters died. Now, my dog has three legs. Now, I can't even hang out with my best friend. Now, I'm housebound, without a phone or a laptop, with bruises from my brother, and a death sentence hanging over my head.
“You've got your self-righteous voice on,” I tell her, trying to stifle my rage. “And you know what? I'm sick of it. You don't understand what I'm going through, Reba. You don't understand the bullshit that I have to put up with.”
“If you'd only tell me—” she starts, her thick, honeyed accent dripping gold and beautiful. She's scared, sad, pleading with me. I want nothing more than to give in and fall into her arms, let someone who actually cares about me hold me for once.
“I'm trapped in a world you'll never understand,” I growl at her, because frankly, I don't know who's watching this house. I don't know if the mafia is planning a hit on my friend. I just want her to fucking leave. Reba starts to talk, but I cut her off. “You and I are from different spheres of the universe. Go read your Bible and leave me in the devil's embrace.” I step back and slam the door on Dena's pouted pink lips.
Reba follows me.
“This life, it doesn’t have to be your life,” she tells me, the rain turning her red hair crimson. I look back at her, and I wish with all my heart that she was right. But this poison, it’s in my blood. My only choice now is to run or die. That’s it. She’ll never be able to understand how the club works, not with her naturally forgiving nature. No, she’d believe the best of everyone until it was her tied to a chair, torture devices littering the ragged wood floors of Uncle Benny’s cabin.
Even then, she’d probably grant her abusers forgiveness and give into the light.
Not like me. I’m not healthy enough to have forgiveness in me, not for anyone. Not even for myself.
I turn around and walk right up to her, water sluicing between my lips. It’s cold as fuck out here, and I’m shivering. My makeup runs down my face, and I notice Reba’s eyes widening as she takes in the marks Gaz left me with.
“Gidge,” she starts, reaching out to me. I slap her hand away. If anyone’s watching us, I want them to believe I hate Reba Keller. That’s the only way I’ll be able to keep her safe. I channel my feelings for Gaz and Cat into my stare.
“You know what you are?” I whisper, venom lacing my voice. It hurts me so goddamn bad that I almost quit and fall to my knees. This is harder than getting hit by Gaz. I’d welcome another beating from him if it would somehow get me out of this. “An uppity little bitch who doesn’t know how to connect with anyone else because she’s too busy hiding behind her morals.”
Reba’s throat tightens up, and I can see she’s not buying it. Not by a longshot.
So I reach out and I shove her back as hard as I can against the car, hating myself even as I’m doing it. That gets her, that unexpected surge of violence. I wonder if she knows I’m doing it out of love?
