Page 116 of Finding Hayes
“I just don’t think I’m cut out for it. And failing at it—it’s too risky, you know?” I scratched the back of my neck as I followed him into the barn.
“You really don’t get it, do you?” he asked, as we both turned slowly to take in the enormous wide-open space in the barn.
“Don’t get what?” I asked, as Cutler and the dogs came barreling inside.
“Hey, Cutler,” Nash called out, and the little dude came running over.
“This place is cool, Pops.”
“It is.” Nash chuckled. “Tell Uncle Hayes here who I say is the best dad I know, next to Gramps.”
Cutler smiled up at me. “Uncle Hayes is the best dad you know. When things are bad, you always think of him, and you know it’s going to be okay.”
What in the actual fuck are they talking about?
“You got it, kiddo.” Nash ran a hand over the top of Cutler’s head before he took off running after Winnie and Roddy again.
“Not sure what you mean, but I think we both know that I had a shit example when it comes to being a parent. Unfortunately, I know the risks. I know the outcome when you fuck up.”
“Dude. Look in the fucking mirror. You don’t fuck up. Ever. You’re the most reliable guy I know. You may hate most of the world, but when you love, you love harder than anyone. You’re fiercely protective of the people you care about, and it’s impossible to miss.” He knocked on the wall inside the barn and ran his hand down the wood. “This is well built.”
I was still reeling from what he’d said, but I didn’t respond. There was no question that I loved my people fiercely, but I was also a grumpy bastard who took a long time to warm up to people. I’d always been cautious when it came to trusting others.
“All right. I’m going to spell it out for you, because you clearly don’t see it.”
“I can’t wait,” I grumped, as I folded my arms over my chest.
“The reason I tell Cutler that you’re the best dad I know is because you taught me at a young age what it meant to be a parent. From the minute I found out that I was going to be a father, and the moment I realized I’d be doing it alone, I thought of you. Of the way that you sacrificed and did whatever you needed to do to protect Saylor. You gave up a football scholarship, a chance to go away to college and be a selfish asshole. You got an apartment at eighteen years old so you could take custody of your younger sister. You gave her the life that you wanted her to have. You worked your ass off to make sure she went to college and had all the experiences you thought she deserved.”
I blew out a breath. That was just what you did for the people you loved. “Your point?”
“My point is, you love to say you’d never have children because you wouldn’t be cut out for fatherhood. But the truth is, you’ve already been a father. And a damn good one. Saylor always says that you were more of a parent to her than a brother. She attributes her success to the fact that you sacrificed so much to give her the future you thought she deserved. Your sister is kicking ass because she had a parent who supported her. And I’ve got news for you, asshole. That was not your mom or dad. That was all you. So, I think it’s about time you owned the fact that you’re already a father. And a damn good one.”
His words hit me hard. Right in the center of my chest. That feeling like you might be having a heart attack and then you realize it’s just all these feelings stirring around inside you.
“I should kick you right in the dick for pulling this shit this early in the morning,” I hissed before clearing my throat to push the lump away.
He chuckled. “It’s noon. You’re a good man, Hayes Woodson. Just accept it and stop fighting it. That’s why Savvy won’t push you into anything you don’t want.”
“Why is that, ole wise one?”
“Because she’s just like you. She’s willing to sacrifice her own dreams for the man she loves. We all see it.” He shrugged. “It’s not my place to tell you what to do, brother. She wants to be with you, and you want to be with her. But missing out on something magical because you’re afraid—that’s not who you are. You’re the bravest bastard I know.”
“Fuck you,” I said dryly, which made him laugh harder.
“Let it go, Hayes. The past. The anger. The fear that you’re going to be left or fail or whatever the hell it is that you’re wrestling with. You’re better than that. You aren’t your father. You aren’t your mother. You’re a really good guy. A man I trust my son with implicitly.” He clapped me on the shoulder. “We allsee it. Cutler sees it. Your wife fucking sees it. The only one who doesn’t see it is you. So open your fucking eyes and let yourself be happy. You’ve earned it.”
I looked away, trying hard to push away all these feelings that were swirling around. I pinched the bridge of my nose to stop my eyes from watering. “Damn seasonal allergies.”
He barked out a laugh. “Yeah. I know, brother.”
“All right. Let me process this.”
“Wow. You’re actually admitting to having feelings? This is a huge breakthrough.” He quirked a brow.
“If you tell anyone, I’ll make King shave your balls in your sleep.” I moved toward the window to look at the clear view of the water in the distance.
This place would be fucking perfect for what I had in mind.
