Page 101 of Finding Hayes
They’re too much work.
Barry won’t allow it.
You can get one when you’re older.
“Yep. I remember.”
“Well, seeing as you don’t have a dog now, you’ve probablyrealized that they aren’t worth the work. It’s so much responsibility to have a dog.”
Was she for fucking real? This is why I couldn’t talk to this woman. She didn’t have a clue about responsibilities.
My gaze locked with Savannah’s. Her honey-brown eyes were filled with empathy, urging me not to shut down.
Talk to her.
“That’s not the reason I don’t have a dog, Mom.” I cleared my throat. “I don’t have a dog because I’m a firefighter, and I’m gone three to four nights a week, so it wouldn’t be fair to the dog. Being responsible has never been my problem. I’m sure you can agree with that.”
The table grew quiet, but when I looked up, I found my wife smiling at me. Her eyes were wet with emotion. She wanted me to open up. She’d felt like I’d done that in the letters I’d written, but the past was in the past, and I had no need to talk about what happened back then. I’d moved on. We all had.
“I know you’re a responsible man, Hayes. I know that I fell apart when your father left us when you were young. I know that marrying Barry was a huge mistake. I was not there for you and Saylor when you needed me. And I’m really sorry about that.” She took a sip of her wine, and I wanted the conversation to end. I didn’t want to go there. I didn’t want to dig shit up that couldn’t be changed. But she wasn’t done. “You didn’t want to be a firefighter right out of high school. But you did it for our family.”
“I did it for my sister,” I said, my tone harsh. “You had us in a home that wasn’t safe, Mom. I couldn’t leave and go to college, knowing that Saylor wasn’t safe. So I did what I needed to do because you didn’t step up. You were our mother. It was your job.”
Her head tilted to the side, eyes softer than normal, but she didn’t look offended. “Yes. It was my job. And I failed. I failed you. I failed Saylor. And honestly, I failed myself. But I’ve madechanges now, and all I can do is move forward. I can’t change the past, Hayes. But I can change what I do moving forward, and that’s why I’m here.”
We’d never talked about what happened all those years ago. Not in all this time. So hearing her say that she’d failed us, failed herself, meant something.
“I appreciate that.”
“Do you wish you could go back to college now?” she asked, and she seemed genuinely interested.
“No. I would have hated college.” I chuckled, and Savannah covered her smile with her hand. “I actually think being a firefighter was my calling. I love what I do, Mom. I don’t love how I got here. I don’t love that I had to grow up so fast. But it’s made me who I am, and I wouldn’t change a thing.”
She nodded. “I understand that. And according to John Cook, you’re an amazing firefighter. He told me that you see things before anyone else does. Almost like you can predict where the fire is going before it even moves.”
I finished chewing my food and quirked a brow. “Where’d you see John?”
“He and Clara came by the bookstore when I was working the other day. She was grabbing a few books, and he and I chatted.”
My mother was working for my sister, and they’d been trying to repair their relationship, as well.
“That was nice of him to say.” I shrugged.
“It’s not surprising. You’ve always been a leader. That’s one thing I was always drawn to from the first time I met you when we were kids.” Savannah forked some salad and popped it into her mouth.
“Oh, yeah? You liked that I always had an opinion, huh?”
“I liked that you knew who you were, and you never wavered,” she said, and my mom looked between us.
“I always thought you two would end up together. You had a connection even when you were little kids. Like you spoke your own language.” My mother smiled and shook her head.
“It’s what I missed most when we were apart,” Savannah said. “That I just had someone who understood me. Who had my back.”
“Yeah, Hayes spiraled after you left.” My mother’s words had me turning to look at her like she had three heads.
“What are you talking about? I wasn’t even living with you.”
“I know. But you changed. You lost your safe place, I guess. It wasn’t because you were staying with Nash and his father. It wasn’t because you were separated from Saylor. It wasn’t because Romeo and River were sent away. It was because Savvy was your person, and she was gone.”
